koopa mandooka

Happy New Year

2012-01-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year. May it be filled with health and anything else you really desire.

My life has been crazy these past few months but I am not ready to offer it for public scrutiny. Hence the silence here on my blog. I am also not able to pretend that everything is fine while there sits a very large elephant in my living room. So more silence!

I don't know when that will change and if it will change. But until it does, the silence will continue for the most part, I think. Time will tell...

2011-08-13T03:35:00.000-06:00

How strange it is to be surrounded by people and yet feel so lonely!

Women

2011-07-08T00:00:00.000-06:00

I have always gotten along better with men than with women. I do have many women friends but it's always very complicated, emotional and sometimes maddening. I picked up a book from the library hoping to gain some insights and understanding, since there seems to be a book for every topic under the sun. Instead of gaining understanding, I am now terrified at all the viciousness documented in the book. It truly does seem like women are women's worse enemies and some women think nothing of lying, stealing, gossiping and back-stabbing to get their way. The more I read, the more I feel like escaping to some all-male world... as if that were some utopia. As if!

Quote

2011-02-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

My cousin sent me this quote recently via email.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

I am not sure what the context was, but it is a pretty awesome quote all the same. I can think so many different relationships in my life I can apply it to - from my son to my friends. Very insightful indeed!

Of course it works both ways. I do feel resentful when others try to run my life for me, which for some reason they seem to want to do ALL THE TIME. Gee, thanks, I am flattered but back off people and I'll back off too! But then again, don't you really want all my superior knowledge and wisdom? ;-)

Water supply

2011-01-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow apparently there will be a hearing at city hall to decide if fluoridation of the Calgary drinking water supply will continue or not. I don't claim to know much about this issue but intuitively I am not in favor of fluoridation.

Fluoride is there in toothpaste and if all we want are better teeth, why ingest the stuff internally and possibly let it affect our bones and who knows what else?

Of course there is a ton of other stuff in the drinking water that we can't remove because they're not added deliberately. They're just side effects of our lifestyle. Like the xenoestrogens generated from people ingesting birth control pills or Prozac residues from people taking Prozac. Birth control pills are hailed as one of the best inventions of last century because they freed women from endless birthing and allowed them to do other things. Empowered them! Didn't come free though, did it? The residues from the pills release estrogenic compounds into the environment disrupting the endocrine systems of fish, animals and humans. It comes around, back to us in the form of cancers and whatnot. But we see only the initial convenience and the freedom. As with everything else...

Happy 2011

2011-01-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

Hoping this year is nice for you and for me...and everyone one else of course!

Feeling a bit low since the day started with a self-destructive announcement from a friend. I can't reveal the specifics of her choices here. All I can say is I feel impotent rage because I can do nothing to influence her choices. I suppose everyone has a right to self destruct.

I was listening to the radio last night and they were talking about all the destruction that happened last year - Haiti earthquake, Haiti Cholera, Pakistan floods etc. Those are disasters where the people didn't have a say. Couldn't avoid the destruction...

But when there is a choice, why march towards it? Why?

Small and white

2010-12-02T23:34:00.000-07:00

Idlis were never my favorite food when I was growing up. I complained a lot when these were made, although that didn't seem to stop my mother from making them. And then I grew up, moved away etc. As with most things, absence did make my heart fonder for idlis. By the time I was a grad student, a plate of idlis with hot sambar and spicy coconut chutney was among my top food desires. Sadly this wasn't a desire that could be fulfilled often, given our crazy schedules and lack of culinary knowledge and equipment. We did buy the instant idli mixes occasionally when we made it to the Indian store but that was rare. Mostly we stuffed our faces with cereal and bread.

Then I got married and acquired an electric grinder and a good blender (mixie) too. Suddenly I had the equipment. I still didn't have the time or more importantly the motivation. The thought of cleaning up after the grinder did its work was somehow a huge mental block. In addition, I had absorbed some of the 'diet' wisdom floating around and was trying to up my protein levels. Seen from that point of view, idlis seemed hideous - just blobs of flour, a veritable eating disaster. So I even had a good reason to back up my laziness ;-). So we stuffed our faces with a different kind of cereal (made with soy protein isolates and other such trash) and bread that tasted simply terrible. The things we ate in the name of nutrition!

These days idlis are back in favour in our household. Why, you ask? Long story. Basically we are trying to eat more 'real' food and less processed stuff sold as food in the grocery store. To hell with all the other things - high fat, high protein, low fat, whatchamacallit. It's just another way of looking at things...a view that might change if things don't suit us. For now though, this is the view and the grinder is back at work.

If you are one of those protein conscious, idli-shunning, cereal guzzlers - here is a link that might make you pause between your spoonfuls of cornflakes.
http://wholehealthsource.blogspot.com/2010/05/traditional-preparation-methods-improve.html

Basically the author (who seems to know his stuff) writes that traditional ways of preparing grain reduces the level of toxins and anti-nutrients which are present to some degree in almost all grains. This renders them more nutritious and digestible. What traditional methods? Grinding and fermenting specifically seems to have been common among several traditional cuisines (such as ours). Fermenting action by the bacteria fills in the missing amino acids and elevates the protein quality considerably. Pretty smart of our ancestors to have figured that out, don't you think? Yet another reason to not discard our traditions, just because the western ones seem more right..

2010-12-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

In a world full of battles, how many do you pick and how do you decide?

I have recently been reading too much about environmental toxins and all the possible ways they get in. The air, the water, the carpet, the food packaging, the food... the list is endless and all pervasive. All this has done, is drive me crazy and paranoid.

What all can I do really? Can I with 100% certainty exclude all the toxins from my life? No. I have made some changes - buying less processed food, buying more organic foods when possible, cooking more, using far fewer cosmetics than before, eliminating non-stick cookware... They make me feel like I am doing something. And yet maybe all this is nothing. Maybe the jet fuel doses we get from living close to the airport are more potent than any of these positive changes. I'll never know...Makes me question the wisdom of even making the changes I've made. If we're headed to hell anyway, why bother?

I've probably repeated this kind of thing in my blog over and over...But some days the pessimism is just too much to contain within..

Buying

2010-12-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

I bought a new computer recently. It was kind of thrilling, waiting for it to arrive, to open it up, install all my software, give it a name..whatever. So I understand the craziness happening all around me. All the spending and the buying...Gives a temporary high!
And then there are days when it gets overwhelming. All these discounts and giveaways and promos. Special discount days. Cyber Mondays. Friends and family days. Pre-Christmas sales. Boxing day sales. Holiday sales. End of the season sales. Winter sales. Stop this madness, I want to scream. Stop. Just stop. Breathe.

Kindness

2010-11-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I just read an article online about random acts of kindness and it got me thinking. I have received several such acts of kindness from complete strangers - like help in pushing my car to a parking lot and lending me a cell phone(mine is never charged when I need it) when it broke down in an intersection. In Belfast last year, any time I went on a train or a bus, there was always someone who helped me with carrying my stroller (with my son strapped in) up or down the train/bus as needed. When I was a student in Troy, plenty of kind people invited us over for Christmas, New Year, Thanksgiving and such. It was nice to be so welcomed by people who didn't know us to begin with. So plenty of things like that. One relatively big incident happened about 13 years ago.

I was a student-intern in Ahmedabad with more emotion than reason (that part may not have changed much). Weekdays were for working and weekends were for roaming around, taking in the sights. And there were plenty of sights, especially for a student of architecture. I was lucky in finding friends who were also interested in roaming around, looking at buildings. One weekend we had planned a trip to Modhera to see the sun temple. The previous weekend we had gone to Adalaj to see the stepped well. It was a fantastic trip and cost us all of 10 Rupees each in bus fare.

We were supposed to leave at 9am that morning for Modhera. These were the days before cell phones. My friends lived in an apartment with no phone connection at all. I lived in a hostel with no phone connection either. I had to cross the road to get to the tea stall/STD booth if I needed to make a call. At any rate if I didn't reach their apartment around 9am, it would mean that I wasn't interested in joining them. I did get delayed that day though because of various reasons and I arrived around 9:30am to find them all gone. I was angry. Very angry.

I didn't know the language. I didn't know where Modhera was or how to get there. All I had was my fury. How dare they leave me behind? Especially when they knew I was so excited about going there? I had Rs.30 in my bag and figured that would be enough, based on how much our trip cost the previous week. I had no idea that Modhera was considerably further away. I headed to the bus stop and took a bus to the junction that we went the previous week. From there I assumed I'd find a bus to Modhera. However, at the bus station I came to know that I'd have to catch a bus to a place called Bechraji and from there to Modhera.

After I got on the bus and bought the ticket to Bechraji, I realized with a shock that it took more than half the money I had in my hand. What if the remainder of the journey cost just as much? I didn't have enough money to go back from Bechraji. If I made it to Modhera and didn't see my friends, how would I return? Perhaps my best bet would be to get down at some intermediate stop before the bus reached Bechraji. That way I might be able to get back. If I needed money, what could I do? Could I sell my watch? I had scratched it and beat it up to a degree that it was a marvel that it still worked. I doubted anyone would pay me money for that.
Panic!

An elderly man sitting opposite me observed my confusion. I saw that he had a kind face. So with my broken Hindi I enquired where the bus would stop next and how much it would cost me to get back to Ahmedabad. Instead of answering, he asked me why I wanted to know and where I wanted to go. My story came tumbling out in bits and I didn't want to reveal too much about my situation. What if he was a creep? He assured me that he would put me on the right bus to Modhera. When I tried to explain I wanted to get back to Ahmedabad, he didn't seem to understand. He did mention that the ticket to Modhera would be less than Rs.10. That was a relief of sorts. Hopefully I'd find my friends at the temple and everything would be fine.

So at the Bechraji bus terminal, he pointed out the right bus. I thanked him and tried to shake him off. However he was persistent that he wanted to come with me to Modhera and make sure that I met my friends. He also told me that if my friends weren't there, he'd accompany me back to Ahmedabad and revealed he had a daughter the same age. I don't know why but I trusted him. He insisted on paying my bus ticket to Modhera despite my protests and also insisted on buying me hot 'Chaa' (tea) from a tea stall in the bus station.

Everything did work out. My friends were still there at the temple when I arrived. Needless to say, I got a sound dressing down from them for my rash trip. My friend attempted to repay the old man for the ticket from Bechraji to Modhera but he refused to accept it. I was very moved by his kindness. He could have been a creep and things could have gone very wrong. But he wasn't and years later I still remember his kindness and calm reassurance in the face of my panic.

2010-11-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently blog posts don't write themselves just as laundry doesn't wash itself or the house doesn't clean itself. I have been thinking a lot but somehow haven't managed to put those thoughts into words. Now I don't even remember those threads of thoughts. Maybe it was all terribly important but now we'll never know ;-)

Will write more often since I know from personal experience that writing almost always begets more of it. So is the case with a lot of other things. Reading about lighting begets more thinking about lighting which in turn leads to more reading and so on. When there is a break, there is more of a break and so on...laziness begets more laziness, but you didn't need me to tell you that. Or maybe you did.

Anyway I am still alive, still posting, still thinking my usual random thoughts...'Isn't that a pip?' (To quote my son's favorite TV show).

Relations and ships

2010-08-25T15:54:00.000-06:00

Surrounding yourself with people takes the focus away from internal conflict and onto somewhat external conflict. Net result: Less angst from lonliness but more kinds of other angst such as interpersonal politics etc.

You need to be at some kind of internal peace with yourself, I guess.

Saw 'Eat Pray Love' yesterday and the message I took from it was that other people cannot make you happy or miserable, really. You need to learn to live in happiness with yourself before you can truly enjoy happiness with others. Not many of us get time to devote to this internal pursuit. Or have the necessary knowledge.

A guide to the good life

2010-08-15T13:14:00.000-06:00

A couple of months ago I posted on a CBC radio program I had listened to on Happiness. I was finally able to locate the audio to it. Here it is.

Centsless

2010-08-09T11:54:00.001-06:00

There has been some talk in my family about my working part-time, our family not meeting its earning potential, our lack of a fancy car etc. Call me lazy, but I like having the freedom to work part-time, having some time to spend with my son, being able to do other things without feeling crazily burned out. As for the fancy car, we (my husband and I) prefer having the money to spend some on healthier (organic? local?) food when we can. We also like traveling and probably travel more than some other families that we know. I guess it comes down to priorities. As long as our current car can get us from point A to B relatively easily, a new car is not a priority.

People assume that we must be kind of poor because our priorities for spending don't match theirs. People assume a lot of things. I guess that's okay, as long as I can do my thing and live in peace. Sometimes when all the mental clutter from people spouting their bullshit crowds my mind, I mentally draw a circle. Inside the circle is my son's wellbeing and my own. I ask myself "Does this external stuff affect the stuff within the circle?" No? Well then, why should I spare any further thought on it? A lot of the clutter was self-generated anyway based on my reactions to other people's input.

Steve Pavlina, a personal development blogger, whose blog I follow is living an interesting thought experiment right now. For 30 days he is going to live as if he was in a dream and all other charecters were all projections in the dream. Perhaps inspired by 'Inception'? While there is an external world out there, we are able to preceive it only because of our senses. I suppose if I were blind, deaf and unable through any other sense to perceive you, you don't exist (to me). Not realistic, but still an interesting thought experiment, just in terms of classifying sources of mental clutter.

Here is the link of the day. An article from NYTimes about how spending less might make you happier.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/08/business/08consume.html?src=me&ref=general

Everything changes

2010-08-04T12:23:00.000-06:00

Everything changes for me, based on the lens (of knowledge? of truth? what?) I use to view it.

I cannot eliminate the lens. I can and do keep changing it though, and not consciously either. What I believed in a couple of decades ago, or a couple of months ago or a couple of days ago is not what I believe in right now. It keeps changing based on books, the internet, friends, family and my own experiences. While I don't reflect on experiences often enough(at least in a manner of inspecting my beliefs), it has happened a few times.

Sometimes I worry that I will never know 'The Truth' (if such a thing exists) but will instead sway one way or another depending on the lens I hold in my hand. Mostly though, I lack even that awareness, the awareness that there is a lens between me(the observer) and the truth. I just believe completely in whatever I believe in. I think we're all caught in that trap and our personalities (and perhaps self-confidence) dictate how tenaciously we hold on to a belief.

Low self confidence could either make you extremely permeable to new beliefs, since everything must seem superior to what you belive in at any moment. Or else it can make you fanatical, browbeating everything else, because you are superior in comparison.

I suppose a confident person will have some level of balance, at which point the self-confidence is a non-issue.

Just some random musings while I wait for my dwg file to load.

Ackkk...

2010-07-28T14:43:00.000-06:00

The list of things to worry about just keeps growing and growing...Ignorance is bliss (kind of).
Bhisphenol A which was recently banned from bottles and such in Canada is found in much much higher concentrations in bills and receipts from stores (the kind I hoard in my wallet and handbags, so I can return something easily in the future). The culprit is ink from thermal printers. BPA can cause behavioural changes in children at even small amounts found in plastic water bottles.

Do I really need to hoard those receipts? How many things have I actually returned in the past couple of months? How many store surveys have I actually completed? Hmm..

This quote from the original article sums it up.

"The uproar over nanograms and micrograms of BPA leaching from water bottles took place while millions of people casually handled receipts with thousands of times higher concentrations of BPA. Parents shudder over the prospect of a baby picking up a used cigarette butt, while a receipt on the floor may pose a more dangerous health threat."

Read more at Suite101: Bisphenol A Cash Register & Credit Card Receipts: BPA Free Baby Bottles & Canned Foods, but Thermal Printing is Source

Interesting podcast

2010-07-21T15:36:00.000-06:00

About weight gain/loss factors. It's rather long but very interesting! They talk about the concept of an adipostat, essentially an internal mechanism that regulates fat loss/gain (kind of like how a thermostat regulates heat), and discuss various factors that impact the set point of the adipostat. They go into some detail on low-carb diets but it's not just that. There isn't always just one thing, is there? They talk about omega-3s versus omega -6s, about the possible role of gut flora and so much more.

http://thehealthyskeptic.org/podcasts/THSpodcast_episode1.mp3

Highly recommend listening to this, even if you're not struggling with weight loss issues.

Another couple of links

2010-07-20T14:34:00.001-06:00

Pertaining to my favorite topic these days - Food (as it pertains to health)
http://heartscanblog.blogspot.com/
http://wholehealthsource.blogspot.com/
http://coolinginflammation.blogspot.com/

The first one is by a cardiologist, the other two seem to be researchers in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology.
When I have time to kill (or don't, like now), I visit their blog and almost always learn something new!

Couple of links

2010-07-19T12:16:00.000-06:00

Baby shampoo is not as safe as we think:
http://safecosmetics.org/article.php?id=221
Have to check today if Kuttipa's shampoo has these nasties. One more thing to worry about.
I did buy something for him that was supposedly 'Natural and Organic', but apparently that's no assurance of anything..

I do have the good stuff at home. Snana powder prepared by my mother-in-law. It is all natural and safe. I just need to get rid of my 'soapy bubbles = clean' mindset, and use this powder instead more often.

Another article in the same site discuss lead in lipstick. Something to keep in mind, especially since lead accumulates over time. Yet another article discusses perfume, which is actually pretty scary when I glanced through it. But I don't want to read it thoroughly. Go figure.

Sometimes I wish I could say...

2010-07-12T13:00:00.002-06:00

My plate. My food. My problems. Leave me alone ya'll.

Why did I write this?
http://redvinylshoes.com/blog/2010/05/as-fat-as-i-wanna-be/
Totally struck a nerve, it did!

2010-07-07T22:46:00.002-06:00

Almost always when things go well, we underestimate how much luck has to do with it. Unless something crazy extraordinary happens like winning the lottery or escaping alive from a near-death accident. But think about it. Isn't it extraordinary that you made it back home safe today? Some people weren't lucky enough. Isn't it crazy lucky that you have a roof over your head tonight and food to eat? No sudden earthquakes or floods disturbed your life today. The people who went through stuff like that - sure they had bad luck, but I believe we don't appreciate enough how much good luck we experience everyday. Until we hit the bad luck, and lament about it..
How many times did we NOT die today? Just today alone..

Are we appreciating the life that we have gained repeatedly? That's a different question.

I am not saying its all about luck in life. Sure there is talent and hard work and free will and a gazillion other things. But it's also luck, is what I am sayin...

2010-05-31T10:01:00.000-06:00

Feeling a bit angsty today as a former co-worker got recognized with an award. There are several issues resulting in the angst but the main one seems to be 'How come she got an award when I have done better work and never did?'

And of course one reason is I've not followed up and actually applied for the award, during the time I worked there.. Another reason is that at that time I didn't think my work was worthy of an award. In fact, it is only when I compare my work with hers that I find mine to be worthy too. Heck, yeah! Third reason- I've not marketed myself enough. That seems to be critically important today. Especially when you navigate through office politics and different personalities. When you are nice and agreeable and just going abt your business, it probably gets you liked but not necessarily anything else...There are exceptions especially when the management is intelligent and can spot value. But mostly it also seems to be about marketing.

That doesn't mean puffing up and acting arrogant and jerky. But I am thinking, even that's not too bad. Sure, you're known as an arrogant jerk, but I bet most people wont say that to your face. And most people will bend over backwards to accomodate you, because you're inflexible and are being a jerk. Of course, the assumption here is that while you're also a jerk, you deliver value. The comparision here is a jerk versus submissive person who both deliver value. And there is a golden mean I suppose - the person who is not a jerk but is assertive and makes his talents known, and who also delivers value.

Again, the question is why is this award so important? It's the recognition. The need for respect and recognition seems to be a basic human need. Especially recognition by someone who you respect, means a lot. 'Vashistar vaayal Brahmarishi' as my mother says. Some people mix this up with the need for love and intimacy and they say that all you need to do is go and have more friends/loving interactions. But the two needs are separate. And I don't know if that's such a bad thing. If most people have this need, it seems to be a part of the basic human condition.

What did I do today?

2010-05-29T00:45:00.000-06:00

Had coffee and breakfast in the car, obtained from the drive-through on our way to my husband's office and to Kuttipa's play area. Lots of paper and foil and tissues that came with the food.
Drove to our destinations.
Came back and changed Kuttipa into his diapers which are always the disposable types - the ones that will stay in the landfills forever. Toilet training is currently in-progress. Despite my noble intentions, my inherently lazy self hasn't really invested time or effort into cloth diapering. This has been happening for 2.5 years now.
Didn't have time to cook in the afternoon/evening since Kuttipa skipped his nap and was cranky and demanding. So had a melt down early in the evening requiring food ASAP - so pizze picked up from shop with all its packaging.
Not sure what other transgressions I've made today. The breakfast and coffee thing from a drivethrough happens once a week. Used to happen much more, but have cut down consciously.

So what happens if my friend came and demanded that I don't dump diapers into the landfills anymore? How can I in good conscience complain about my friend's lawn chemicals when there is so much bad I am doing?

I can pluck dandelions because I want to. Any other reason would be hypocritical.

So I went and bought Roundup..

2010-05-25T12:29:00.000-06:00

No I didn't! I wouldn't. Even if my entire yard is filled with dandelions, I wouldn't go buy Roundup or any other herbicide for that matter. And the yard is filled with dandelions already, almost entirely. And it's driving me nuts. So I go and behead the flowers (before they turn into seeds) and sometimes I will manage to uproot an entire plant. Which still leaves only about a million more of them left in my yard. Sometimes I pluck away all the leaves hoping the plant will spend energy in putting forth new leaves instead of flowers and seeds. I don't know if this is really effective though. And we tried dumping a bunch of grass seeds onto the lawn hoping the grass will overcrowd the dandelions. So far, I haven't seen any new grass... I know I cannot eradicate dandelions from my lawn but it might be nice to have fewer of them.

Why this war on dandelions? I am not entirely sure. I think I am trying to prove something albeit very unsuccessfully. A friend of mine recently bought Roundup and other such stuff to maintain her lawn and I got very annoyed. Not to her face of course (because I am not like that). But privately, I vent to my husband.
"Now all the runoff from her lawn will enter the water supply and we'll be screwed!"
"Why only her lawn? Surely there are tons of other homes in this neighborhood alone that use all these chemicals. Why are you singling her out?" My husband asked reasonably.

He is right of course. And yet I feel disappointed. I wish I could go tell her to stop using that stuff. But is the alternative a dandelion filled yard? What right do I have to lecture my friend, unless I have a reasonably well maintained yard myself? And hence my war on dandelions...

Let's say hypothetically that I do manage to eradicate all my dandelions and I have a pristine well-maintained lawn and garden? Would I really feel any more confident about telling my friend what to do? I might but most likely, I wouldn't. 'None of my business' I might think. Or I might feel diffident about telling her to spend so much time in manual labour when a couple of sprays in a few minutes can do it.

But of course it is my business. It is everyone's business. We're all affected. But I am too scared to speak up though. So I'll just keep making some more excuses and killing some more dandelions.

Hell in a handbasket

2010-05-06T00:39:00.000-06:00

I read this column in NYTimes today.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/06/opinion/06kristof.html

And it made me depressed and scared. Very scared. The information is not really new but everytime I read about it, I feel panicked afresh. Scared for my myself, sure. But more scared for Kuttipa. What kind of world have we brought him into? What toxins was he exposed to in the womb and what more has been exposed to since then? How has it affected him? Will he grow up and thrive? What about all the other kids on earth? What's been happening to them? Will humans survive despite their own efforts to self-destruct? Is the world going to hell in a handbasket?

I recently went to a gardening centre because we needed some advice on gardening and didn't know where to start. This was a large, large store filled with almost anything you could possibly need for a garden. There were plants of course and soil and seeds and other things you might typically expect. What I didn't expect to see were the sheer varieties of herbicides, pesticides and other cides. Do you hate your neighbours dog peeing on your lawn? There is a chemical for that. Perhaps you didn't want deer on your lawn? Or bunnies? There is a chemical for that. Or birds? Or ants? Or caterpillars? Chemicals, chemicals and more chemicals! Yum!

And then here is the ultimate irony. There were statues of bunnies sipping from a water fountain, Mom and baby deer nuzzling, clusters of birds perched on a branch, etc. I guess after you're done killing all the real animals and critters, you need at least statues to symbolize life in a garden. When you think of a garden, do you think of living growing things or the WMD?

And this is not one particular store. Just walk into any Canadian Tire or Home Depot or equivalent, and you'll see all these chemicals displayed proudly. What's the average consumer to do? The average consumer who doesn't spend his nights reading news articles, but wants something to kill his weeds, bunnies and what not? He pulls some shiny bottle from the shelf (probably the one priced lowest) and hopes it delivers on its promise of killing whatever it is he wants killed? Harmful to humans? What's that??

How does this change? The average consumer is not interested in advice beyond the immediately tangible, Health risks are intangible unless of course his kith and kin are injured. Even then, how do you prove these things? You just blame fate and go back to spray your garden with 'Weed n Feed'.

And that's why I feel so helpless and scared.

Kuttipa updates

2010-04-26T12:26:00.000-06:00

Kuttipa now counts till 20.

Can identify all shapes correctly, although he has been doing that for a few months now.

Has only just recently for a week or two started identifying colours. Mixes up red and green a bit. Fairly consistent with blue, yellow and sometimes even pink and orange.

Jumps with his feet off the ground and has been able to do that for a couple of months now.

Can put two words together like 'Amma bye', 'Blue car', ' car bithu', ' Neeru beka'?

Can climb ladders in the park. Has been happening for a few weeks now.

Used to be afraid of the slide but not anymore

Has a lot more words in his vocabulary (mostly Kannada and English) but also some tamil words like 'saami' and 'thanni'. What's interesting is that he can cross-reference sometimes. He uses 'neeru' and 'thanni' interchangably. Similarly 'Devuru' and 'Saami' seem to be correlated in his mind. 'Truck' and 'Lorry' is another example. "Dirty' and "Koiku'.

Seems to be passionately interested in trains. Any empty carton lying around in the house becomes a train moving on a track, with 'Choo choo'. Else two blocks are combined to make a train. Sometimes,

He likes singing and songs. Can recite 'Twinkle Twinkle little star' completely. And several other rhymes partially. He knows the tunes more than the words and will often substitue nonsensical words just to get the tune right.

Likes elevators, escalators, automatic doors, buses, police cars. fire trucks...

Ah, heaven

2010-03-24T10:48:00.000-06:00

When I was young, my vision of heaven was a cozy but light filled library with a ton of books - specifically books that I was interested in. I'd dream of how I could spend the entire day reading and reading and reading.
I suddenly remembered that vision today, and you know what? It still sounds mighty appealing! I'd add a couple of things though, to this vision. An endless supply of coffee and occasionally a plate of samosas. ;-)

I have about 7 books that I've borrowed from the library that are due sometime in the next couple of weeks and haven't really read even one of them...Hence this book and samosa filled fantasy! :

Another take

2010-03-18T22:25:00.000-06:00

Well...I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday and it seems a bit simplistic (duh!)

I mean, consider the example of one person not talking to another. While its true that the other person does not know what is going on and draws his conclusion, the first person might know the reason for his own silence. So in that sense, there is a truth which might be truer than some of the meanings taken by the observer.

But mostly we don't necessarily have access to this truth and we must draw our own conclusions. And maybe that's some kind of evolutionary thing - trying to match patterns and come to conclusions. Makes us understand who our enemies are and things like that. So assuming things based on events is not necessarily a bad thing - in general.

But obviously there are times we take it too far. My husband can probably tell you the number of times I've taken a simple remark of his and gone wild with it, perceiving it as an insult and using it to draw conclusions about him, about our marriage and everything. Oops! :-/

Maybe that's a woman thing. I don't know. What I do realize is there are times it's better to not draw our own conclusions. How do you determine which times are better for what? Alack and Alas, I don't know...

Meaning and control and other such good stuff

2010-03-18T00:58:00.000-06:00

Came back from an awesome book club meeting. On my way back, I was listening to the radio and caught a bit of 'Ideas' on CBC. Their guest on the show today was William Irvine, who was talking about his book 'A guide to the Good Life (the ancient art of stoic joy.)'

Whatever little I heard of the programme was pretty good. If I get hold of a transcript or something, I'll post a link. Because my paraphrasing just wont do! You've got to read or hear the real thing.

One of the things he talked about was control and how little we have of it. We can control very few things in our lives but our emotions are one of them. And stoics strive to do that. For instance we can't control if the sun will rise tomorrow but we can control how we feel about that...

He talks about how people are mostly unhappy because they always want to be somewhere else than where they are in life, all the time. And we keep blaming circumstances, other people's behaviours and external events for our unhappiness when in reality our happiness is in our control, in how we choose to think or feel. Again I wish I had his exact words here. He said it much better than this.

This kind of fit in with a video I was watching recently by Morty Lefkoe. Lefkoe talks about how events are separate from our reactions to them. If someone does not talk to you, you might interpret it as anger towards you. Or perhaps you might think they are being rude. Or you may think they don't know the language. All of these are meanings that you're giving the event. The event is that the other person didn't talk. But what meaning have you taken away from it? If you're a person with low self-esteem, you probably took a meaning that confirmed your low opinion of yourself. Except that you have now (falsely) attributed the meaning as coming from someone else. It's all in your head people! ;-)

How many meanings have you created recently from simple events that inherently have no meaning? As long as we're the ones creating the meanings, why don't we create some positive ones?

2010-03-16T01:38:00.000-06:00

It was a fantastic day today! High of + 15 or something like that. Picked up Kuttipa from daycare in the afternoon and spent over an hour at Bowmont park. Kuttipa played on the slide, climbing up the ladder and sliding down on his tummy on the huge curved monster of a slide. He did this for almost the entire hour, never tiring of the climb up which looked a bit taxing on his tiny legs, or of the slide down which seemed to be fun every single time! Every now and then he played the 'drum' by banging his hands on the metal slide and smiling at me and exclaiming 'drum'! And me, I just enjoyed all the sunshine, the fresh air and the spectacular view of the Bow river. And I enjoyed watching Kuttipa clamber up the slide and thinking of how nice this parenting thing is sometimes.....

Blue skies and sunshine

2010-02-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

"What is the fuel that keeps you going?" I remember asking a friend more than a decade ago, a girl who I immensely admired because she seemed to have it all figured out. She was probably a little startled but tried to answer anyway.
"My family and my friends.. I guess."

Looking back it seems like a weird question to have asked. I remember the feeling behind it though. Or the lack of it. It was a time when I was feeling listless and absolutely unmotivated to even wake up each day and move. It wasn't a lack of physical energy but more a lack of mental energy. Why bother to do anything at all?
The feeling eventually went away and obviously I did keep waking up. It has returned at several points during these years. A feeling of hopelessness and indifference and feeling distant from everyone and everything. I have attributed it many times to being in North America, away from sunshine, away from family and friends.

And yet that time when I asked my friend the weird question I was very much in India. Close to family, surrounded by friends and tons of sunshine.

'It's part of being human" says my husband. "Everyone feels that way sometimes." Maybe he is right. But if that's true, why do we so seldom talk of it?

Since Kuttipa's birth, although there have been periods of hopelessness, it is much less intense when it happens. As if Kuttipa has given meaning to my life. Which is true. But it's also not true. Life has no meaning except what we give to it, right? So it could in fact be anything that I could choose to live for. A cookie perhaps. A leaf. God. David Suzuki. Seinfeld. Or maybe *gasp* myself?

Life

2010-02-01T23:29:00.000-07:00

I am working on a project and listening to Pink Floyd right now. Such amazing lyrics!

"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
but I have become comfortably numb."

Happy New Year

2010-01-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

Wishing you health and happiness! Cheers!

2 weeks since we got back

2009-12-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

What all have I done?

Caught up on 'Being Erica' during my sleepless jet-lagged nights.
Attended a party to tell people I am back and looking for work (sort of)
Washed a lot of dishes
Created a linked-in profile
Kept my farm on farmville somewhat up to date
Made pancakes from scratch for my son

I think if I made a list of all that I haven't done, but intended to do, it would be way way way much longer..

Back

2009-12-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

I've been back in Calgary for about 9 days now. Long enough for the cold and snow to feel like a natural part of the landscape - which of course, they are, just not where I am from though. The jet lag is almost gone. It took a while partly because of Kuttipa (and of course I blame Kuttipa for everything these days).

And I wish I could write. There is a lot going on internally (there always is). Not much of it I can write though...for public consumption I mean, whatever little public happens to come through.

What can I write about? Well, Kuttipa ate an apple today. Not an entire apple but about 1/4th. Which is actually pretty darn awesome. The kid has never ever ever done this before. No matter how hard I tried, fruit would never go in unless it happened to be mashed thoroughly and blended into a milkshake or something. So, I am excited! Hopefully this wasn't a one-time freak occurance.

He is obsessesed with the alphabet these days, which he sometimes says in the right order although with a few letters missing. His favorite letters seem to be E, F and W('bubby') and he will wander around the house repeating these letters again and again. Particularly 'efff'. As long as its the letter and not the word, says my husband. I guess..

So long, farewell..

2009-12-04T02:36:00.000-07:00

Leaving Chennai today. Feeling terrible. So terrible that I can almost feel the pain physically...
Too much confusion in my mind. I crave clarity.

The nature of Guilt

2009-11-30T09:51:00.003-07:00

It's all so relative!

Random thoughts...

2009-11-29T02:08:00.004-07:00

from the past few weeks in no particular order. All this time among family and not much to do except tending after Kuttipa has left me time to think..

Gods and Pujas: Maybe there is no God or maybe there is. I prefer to think there is because it is immensely comforting. It is nice to be able to direct a prayer at someone. Or to be able to thank someone. But if there is a God or several of them, would he/she/they be happy to answer anyone's prayer if said in the right manner (homam, pujas etc.). What if the intent of the prayer is frivolous? Of course then the next question would be 'frivolous to who'? Who decides these things? What is a sufficiently serious thing to pray for? The amount of money spent on the puja? What if the desired outcome is actually not so desirable (not necessarily harmful) to someone else? Will it still be answered? Or if the other person has a clear conscience, does he/she have nothing to fear? And of course there is the pujari himself. Is it possible to be a pujari and spend hours everyday praying and fasting and chanting hymns and still be a lech or something just as undesirable?

Family stuff. Parents expect unquestioning obedience from children and yet expect them to go out and be assertive and even agressive in the big bad world. How is that possible? I don't remember who I heard this from or if I read this somewhere...It's not an original thought though. But its been going through my mind recently. I guess being among family makes you realize that you either have to spend a lot of energy resisting things or simply give in to every wish of theirs to avoid conflict. I mostly choose the latter option but then spend energy in simmering resentment. Perhaps there is a better way?

Self validation: How much of our time do we spend doing something in order to get validation from someone else? Inordinate amounts is my answer. Whether it is about trying to look good and evoke appreciation from men or trying to 'be good' and evoke appreciation from my family,

or appreciation from employers for being a 'good employee' or plenty of other such things. But what happens when I fail in these attempts like I mostly do? And the world is always only too quick to point out when and how much you fall short of anything. Then comes untold misery and self-bashing and feeling abject and feeling the complete opposite of validation. And so then it leads to a greater quest for validation. Somehow. Somewhere. Anyhow. It's some kind of vicious spiral. If validation came from within instead of coming from other people, it would be much better, wouldn't it? But how does that happen? I am worthy of existence. I am worthy of happiness. But how do I so completely believe it that it becomes a part of me?

Acting scripts: Kind of related to self-validation. How many of our interactions are kind of scripted, in the sense of saying the expected things, the 'right' things. Are we using our minds in conversation to actually have the conversation or to figure out the 'correct' responses so that we can survive the conversation?

Adrift

2009-11-25T11:25:00.003-07:00

Feeling listless, restless and generally angsty. The reasons are several. My time in India is almost over. So there is all the homesickness and all that. And there is the uncertainty of the future. What am I going to do next? Where do things fit in? Does my life make sense in any way? Why am I in Calgary? that sort of thing....

And when I am feeling angsty, the bad poetry starts to flow ;-)

Faces

2009-11-21T11:16:00.003-07:00

In the landscape of my mind
Some faces remain etched
Deep in the granite,
Cut deeper and deeper
by thoughts, feelings
And dreams.
Other faces vanish though
washed away in the tides,
of everyday life

2009-11-12T10:23:00.001-07:00

In the moonlight,
in my dreams,
a sentence winds
through, ebbs
flows
and
then s t
o
p
s
.

Heavy stuff

2009-11-06T11:22:00.004-07:00

I've been overweight most of my life. I say most instead of all, because there are some childhood photos of me looking like a normal child. But anyway, after a certain point the weight started piling on. A variety of factors I am sure contributed to it and although I've analyzed a million billion times, I don't have a conclusive answer. And even if I did, what of it? How does it help?

The weight gain certainly didn't help. I've lived most of my life feeling like a lesser person; feeling depressed, feeling unattractive, feeling unworthy of love, feeling like because I couldn't successfully lose weight I couldn't possibly be good at anything.... Believing the stereotypes of 'fat' (dirty, lazy, slothful, stupid).

The only thing that kept me going sometimes was the distant hope that someday I'd somehow lose all that weight and then I'd show everybody who I really was. Or some such thing. All my childhood diaries teem with this fantasy. Particularly when I was terribly enamored with some boy or the other in my class but did not dare reveal my crush to him because I was so sure I was unworthy of his attention. I actually did muster the courage to talk about it after I went to college but the results were always bad. And I expected no less. I looked down on myself and was confident that others looked down on me too.

Somewhere along the time I met my husband I'd developed a better self-image. I was happier with myself and wasn't desperately trying to attract a guy to improve my self-esteem. And so I guess things worked out between us. Paradoxically the improved self-image attitude was because of another guy... but that's a different story.

And yet the improved self-image thing somehow got lost, as I gained even more weight upon getting married and moving and all that stuff.

There have been times when I have lost some weight, significant amounts even. And then gained it all back. Terrible, terrible, terrible! Every unit of weight gained was a unit of self esteem lost. And here I am at 32, weighing close to the most I've ever weighed and starting (yet another) diet. Feeling almost as bad as my teenaged self, though she was agonizing over far less weight than I am right now.

And somehow I came across a website called 'Shapely Prose' about weight issues. Good prose. I couldn't stop reading. And one of their core premises is that you can be healthy at every size. That link leads to a news article about a research project. And what was the study? Two different groups of women - one group on a diet and the other being counseled on self-acceptance and being healthy. The diet group lost weight the first year and gained it all back after that. The 2nd group lost nothing but became much more fit (cholesterol levels, etc.) compared to the first group. And they were more physically active too...Surprising eh?

What does this mean to me personally? Am I going to stop my diet? No, I can't stop now. I am not quite there yet. I still am under the spell of 'the fantasy of being thin.' I've held this one for too many years now to give it up in a couple of nights of reading.

But perhaps I can start the journey of self-acceptance as opposed to constant self-flagellation (metaphorically speaking of course). And perhaps my goal should be becoming healthier even if not necessarily slimmer(!)

2009-11-03T10:54:00.001-07:00

Trapped in my tower,
I yearn to be free.
Can someone rescue me?
But who has the key?
Me?

Avva

2009-10-31T22:37:00.003-06:00

My grandmother passed away 11 days ago. I loved her and yet I have shed few tears. I don't know if this is because she suffered a lot for the past few years and (from my perspective) is finally free. Or is it because the tears are there within somewhere, waiting to be released at the right time, whenever that is? I don't know.

We looked into her cupboard a couple of days ago and found a dairy from 1985 written by my Thatha (her husband). My parents meant to toss it and instead I held on to it and have been reading it on and off. I am amazed at the intensity of emotion in my grandfather's writing. I was nine years old when he passed away. Old enough to remember him in many ways but too young in other ways to have known and understood him.

In particular the dynamics of the relationship between my Avva and Thatha are fascinating, sad... and maybe even a tad scary. All the drama of lives lived and intertwined over decades. Just because the participants are no more, does it make it all meaningless?
Meanwhile more lives are lived and more dramas unfold. And left unrecorded, they are lost. As if they never happened. But it was real. What does that even mean? I am confused.

And yet its different

2009-10-17T10:57:00.003-06:00

1. More dazzling fireworks. Lots more.
2. More smoke. Lots more.
3. Less social interaction and people coming over with sweets.
4. Less people stopping by on the street.

Happy Deepavali

2009-10-16T22:00:00.002-06:00

I am at home in Madurai for Deepavali after a long time. Home for Deepavali, with everyone around me celebrating the same festival in an explosion of color and sound. Instead of solitarily trying to celebrate it in a distant land, surrounded by snow and people who haven't a clue about what it all means. Very different! Celebrations are always so much nicer with a whole lot of people around you...

So here I am clad in my new Salwar Kameez, having eaten my fill of a vellai appam and idli breakfast and way too many sweets! There is the incessant sound of crackers and bombs and other things that explode too loud. And on the streets, people are walking around wearing brightly coloured sarees and churidhars and pavadais and long strands of malligai poo. Every now and then the phone in the living room rings and greetings are exchanged. Some one drops by with some sweets and other sweets are given in exchange. I've missed all this!

Kuttipa

2009-09-21T15:26:00.002-06:00

Photos from my trip

2009-09-10T17:21:00.000-06:00

Oh why?

2009-09-10T02:17:00.003-06:00

Why do most lunatics seem to be Republican? Just asking...I seldom read the news but when I do, I invariably come up with this question..

Beauty

2009-09-06T15:47:00.003-06:00

First things first. I am really excited that Kuttipa looked at the shadow of his hand today and was experimenting with different shapes using his fingers.

I gave it a name. "Shadow!"

"Shayee"

Close enough. For the next few minutes he kept saying "Shayee" and looking at his hands (and the resulting shadows).

Just got back from a wonderful trip to one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. Ever.

We went on a four day trip to Portstewart, a nice little seaside town in Northern Ireland, where we rented an apartment that happened to overlook the ocean (we didn't know this when we rented it. We just picked a number from the tourism website and called it.) The apartment itself was gorgeous. And there was a collection of P.G.Wodehouse novels. This was heaven in itself so far. We spent the first couple of days roaming around the town and visiting the very beautiful but hellishly cold beach there. And I spent my nights reading the novels.

On the third day we went to a place called the Mussenden temple. Getting there meant a bus ride and then a train journey to a place called Castlerock. From there it was quite a walk and an uphill one too. But the rewards of that walk, oh my!!! Such beauty all around! Tall wavy grass, ruined fragments of buildings, steep cliffs and the beautiful Atlantic ocean meeting the golden sandy beach in foam and glass layers of waves. I was so moved and close to tears!

I will post a photo of that place sometime in the next couple of days.

Too many words on this page, so...

2009-09-02T04:34:00.004-06:00

Any way you look at it

2009-08-31T17:32:00.006-06:00

It's a good thing to be be more respectful of the environment and the planet. We know that. We have heard it tons and tons of times in the media, from other people, etc. But, are we doing anything at all about it? I am not (except for being vegetarian, which I can't really claim credit for since it's upbringing and not my conscious moral choice that has been the cause).

I am not noble or selfless or particularly passionate about the planet. In fact, to tell you the truth if you gave me a lecture on climate change, my eyes would probably glaze over and my mind will wander. And this has been bugging me a bit. Why am I not more interested? Why do I perceive those who do care as saints and those who don't as being normal? How can the normal join the ranks of the saints without giving up their appetite for life?

From my very limited knowledge (what is this blog called again?), being green kind of looks like you've to give up a lot of fun. No car. No paper. No nothing. And to do all this for what? What is the selling point? A sense of personal virtue from being green? That is not bad, but really I don't care too much for that and neither do a lot of other people.

But the answer is hidden in plain sight. Our survival, our health, our children... real selfish reasons for why you might want to go green as opposed to being a selfless saint. Consider this article for instance, from which I've quoted the paragraph below.

"Just as liberal tree-huggers need to understand that we cannot make a case for altruism in any sense, least of all when it comes to saving the environment, conservatives need to understand that “saving the planet” is a euphemism for saving ourselves. It’s not the environment we’re actually concerned about. It’s our ego-driven selves, along with the future generations that will carry our DNA. And that’s the only compelling case we can make in taking any and all action to protect and preserve our vital ecosystems e.g. air, freshwater, forests, oceans, and the animals upon which they all depend."

So there is such a thing as selfish environmentalism then? As usual I turn to google for some answers. And as usual I found some very interesting reads that kept me up well past midnight. The most interesting one was "Can Selfishness Save the Environment?" by Matt Ridley and Bobbi S. Low. It was published 16 years ago and I think the intervening years have only proved some of their points.

They discuss some ways of dealing with over-exploiting common resources (land, air, water etc.). One effective way has been privitizing the resource. This may not always work in the desired way or it may be near impossible to implement (How do you privitize air?). Another effective way has been legislation. This is not necessarily effective all the time either. There may be other ways too.. such as a mutual benefit system (explained by the 'Tit for Tat' model in game theory). The article goes on to argue for the creation of positive incentives for being 'Green' and negative incentives for polluting. A bigger version of 'Tit for Tat'.

I don't think I did a good job at explaining it and would strongly urge anyone (anyone?) reading this blog to go read the article.

One thing that struck me was the USGBC's LEED rating system for buildings and how successful this program has been despite its many flaws. The article was probably written well before the creation of LEED ratings but can well explain its success.

Now that I've read this, what am I going to do next? I am still working on the answer.

My reading journey

2009-08-27T02:51:00.004-06:00

It started because I was starved of fiction. If I had fiction nearby, even if it was a book that I'd read already, I wouldn't have made much progress with non-fiction (unless it was related to babies somehow). Consider the fact that I bought 'The Botany of Desire' by Michael Pollan five years ago in 2004 to read on a train journey from New Haven to New York. I read a chapter, found it interesting but closed the book after the journey and forgot about it. Till now. Before I left for Belfast, I grabbed a couple of books from my shelf one of which happened to be this book. And so I read it finally after all these years.

It was entertaining and interesting and a surprisingly easy read. Pollan writes about four different plants and how they have evolved over the years by catering to four different desires of ours. The apple catered to our (fundamental) desire for sweetness long before sugar was made. The tulip catered to our desire for beauty. Marijuana is obvious in what it caters to. The highly controlled conditions that it is grown in now and the strains that have been married to get the most desirable qualities (including the quality of intoxication) made for highly interesting reading.

The last section of the book dealt with the potato. The potato was supposed to cater to our desire for control, something that didn't really make sense before I read the section. I also thought that this would be a terribly boring section, because after all how interesting could a potato be? I was wrong because this was the most interesting section!

This section discusses genetically modified potatoes (hence, control) and also gives us some historical insight about potatoes in general. Doesn't seem too preachy either and we are left to draw some of our own conclusions. For example, the Irish Potato famine is now famous in history. Why was it caused? A fungal blight. But had there been a variety of different potatoes, one strain may have survived where the other failed. The widespread cultivation of just one variety led them to this mess. He doesn't pose the question outright but the parallels are obvious by now. In today's world, dominated by crop monocultures have we really learnt our lesson?

The whole process of how the bt genes were introduced into the potato plant and the concept of genetic instability was fascinating too. Although, that's not the reason I picked up 'The Selfish Gene' by Richard Dawkins as my next book. I picked it up because I saw it in the library and remembered it as one of the books that Pollan had mentioned in his book. This however happens to be one of those books that change the way you think about several things. Had I read this book say about 10 years ago, I might have been even more influenced by its message. I am glad to have read it at all.

What should I read next? I visited Michael Pollan's website out of curiosity and read the introduction and first chapter of his book 'The Omnivore's dilemma'. Sufficiently hooked, I've placed a hold for it in the library and am eagerly waiting for it. Is it here yet? Is it here yet?

Meanwhile I have been reading online. Starting with a couple of articles by Pollan in NY Times and branching onto other related but varied topics, I've been reading about the slow food movement, bt brinjals, mindfulness and even something called slow sex. It has been interesting for sure. I have more questions than answers right now. Perhaps the biggest one being if I will actually make any lifestyle changes based on all this reading. Will I? Won't I? Only time will tell...

More kuttipa words

2009-08-19T06:31:00.002-06:00

Aggu - Hug (followed with a hug)

Bananga - Banana

Kaagu - Kaalu (leg, in Kannada)

Itty - Hottai (stomach, in Kannada)

Update

2009-08-17T16:14:00.003-06:00

It's 11:14pm here, Belfast time. I am sitting here feeling weird. I came to the computer after a long day with Kuttipa (who didn't even nap today) ended with him falling asleep for the night around 9pm. I figured I could put in a couple of hours of work except that when I checked my email, it looks like I've been fired from 'The Project'.

There is a part of me that feels terrible about this, since I've always been good at my work and this is the first I've let things slip by so badly. How does this reflect on me as a professional? How can I expect them to give me work again once I return to Calgary? What will happen when others in the small community that is my profession, come to know of this incident? These are only some of the questions awhirl in my mind.

Undeniably though, there is a small tiny part that feels relieved. And then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. But that doesnt stop the relieved part from feeling relieved. The mind is what it is.

Wow

2009-08-11T16:16:00.002-06:00

I am currently reading 'The Selfish Gene' by Richard Dawkins. While there is a lot in this book that challenges my existing thought patterns and beliefs, the part that absolutely blows my mind is his concept of memes. Wow!!

Words

2009-08-06T07:22:00.003-06:00

Kuttipa has a few words now...

Huppu - Hippo

Boa - Boa

Di zzah - Zebra

Hoovu - Hoovu (flower in kannada)

Apple - Apple

Wow (said with great exclamation) - wow

Baab - Ball

Dodda - dodda (Big in Kannada)

Dodda (said in a different tone) - He actually means little

Athe - Ashtae ('The end' in kannada). He says it sometimes after we finish reading a book.

Monday morning and you know how that goes

2009-08-03T01:30:00.004-06:00

It's dull gray and dreary outside and both Kuttipa and I have a cold. Okay, I am actually feeling way better cold-wise than how he looks. Poor kiddo!

I do have some self-inflicted crap churning away inside my mind affecting how everything is perceived. For starters, there is 'The Project'. It is titled thus since I've been theoretically been working for an entire year on it. How much work have I actually put into it? About 40 hours - a regular work week(or less) for most people. Yeah, not a whole lot I know. I started work on it and then assumed with time it had died a natural death. I didn't receive follow-up emails asking for it either and so I continued with my assumptions. There were other projects that came along which I more or less finished on time and everyone seemed happy. And then came the call and an email about a few days ago asking me about the project status since the client was asking for it. Obviously I couldn't tell them that I thought it had died a natural death, that my weekends were spent roaming around Northern Ireland, that I'd actually rather go see Harry Potter if I do get a couple of hours off instead of working on this. Nooooo.... Instead I am lying low, trying to do as much of it as possible and send him an email with some updated work in the next couple of days. Except as you can see, I am blogging right now. Not working. Crap!

Self inflicted crap #2 (no pun intended there): Googled a friend's name. Couldn't help it. I've been doing it every now and then for the past several years. Ever since we had a falling out for unfathomable reasons really. The last time I did this was probably over a year ago. No results then. And then this time - several results. Came to know she is in Bangalore and doing very well work wise and probably personally too. Good, right? Yeah, except that it has somehow stirred up all the old feelings up again and I am all a-muddle. I went through quite a bit of angst about this a few years ago and couldn't even listen to certain songs because they would remind me of her. Most of this angst was because I had no clue why she cut off abruptly. And now here is her email address in plain sight. Her husband is on facebook. I can easily contact them and perhaps renew the friendship. But is that really possible or even desirable?

There is a tamil poem that likens friends who have parted ways, to a grain and it's husk. Once separated they can never be joined as before.

Okay, I'll go work now.

Friday, midnight ++

2009-07-31T17:23:00.003-06:00

I ought to be sleeping but instead I find myself browsing relentlessly, restlessly. I came to the computer to try to coordinate with the IT guy from work in Calgary so I could get my lighting software license renewed. That didn't work though and the guy is gone. I am still here though. Online.

My frequency of posting has dropped dramatically and I've been wondering why. I've always loved to write about random crap going through my head. So why did the desire wane? I think it is partly due to the anonymity of it crumbling away. I know that only a few read this blog but those few know my real identity and somehow that is a bit scary. As in, it's easier to post nonsense when you think no one knows you, as opposed to having family and friends reading your blog. I almost feel like I am being judged even though there may be nothing of that sort going on. Who has the time for that anyway?

So does it mean I am going to try and post more sense? No way! Sometimes the best way to overcome fear is to try and face it. So I'll just have to post my usual nonsense on a more regular basis, won't I?

The darker side of this place

2009-06-30T07:07:00.002-06:00

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/jun/24/hindu-priest-belfast-attacks

A Hindu priest's family and home were attacked a few days ago and they're now fleeing Belfast. Came to know of this in conversation with another Indian family yesterday and then from the internet. Scary!

An ocean apart

2009-06-26T07:44:00.002-06:00

Haven't written in a while because I was too busy living! Now, isn't that an excuse? ;-)
I am currently in Belfast, Northern Ireland accompanying my husband on his academic visit. We're likely to be here for a few more months.

It's been almost two weeks since we arrived - two weeks filled with moving in, settling down and exploring just a wee bit. For the better part of last week, we stayed in a temporary apartment - a gorgeous place in Wellington park, which is just a bit south of the city centre. And then we walked and walked and walked and occasionally took a bus around trying to find a place to live for the next few months. We wanted someplace within walking distance of shops since we didn't have a car and also someplace that would be an easy commute for my husband to work.

And someplace safe! We initially found it a bit shocking that people warned us to stay away from some areas because of troubles with racism. And then we got a couple of eggs hurled against our window! It was enough to send me into a frenzy of fear, until we spied an egg dripping on the window of the neighbouring building too. Probably the work of some wandering drunk!
So anyway we found an apartment in the city centre which is good in terms of commuting and also very close to all kinds of shopping. Seems okay in terms of safety and I hope it stays that way.

There are quite a few other Indian families with kids and it looks like Kuttipa will have some company here after all.

It's a different way of life, not having a car and walking everywhere. I end up doing a bit of groceries everyday since it is easier to carry home than a big load. The fridge in our apartment is very small, so that also prevents stocking up in bulk quantities. There is a fruit and vegetable shop nearby which has fresher produce than the department store. There are also tons of bakeries nearby.

And the buildings are all so gorgeous! Everything is gorgeous!! I've not seen much of the city but I am looking forward to exploring it over the next few months. And when I can, I'll come here and write down what I've seen and where I've been. How else will I remember it all?

A random photo from over a year ago

2009-04-08T11:05:00.004-06:00

He was at that stage when everything made him smile and laugh! He still is a happy child but is prone to quite the tantrum when things don't go his way...

Everything is so interesting

2009-04-06T10:59:00.004-06:00

Well, almost everything is interesting except whatever it is I need to be doing at any given moment. If I am blogging now, and if you bet that I actually should be doing something else, you'd be totally right. There are times when I decide that I should blog, and then what do I do? Not blog of course!

If I said I am addicted to the internet, it would be putting it mildly. It's my life. It's everything. Okay, maybe I am overstating it now. The thing is there is no good way to explain how it fits into my life. Or how my life fits into it. Or something.

I wonder how I seem to come upon the most amazing and interesting sites just when I sit down to 'catch up on some work, now that the kid is asleep.' In fact, that's exactly the reason I am at the computer at this moment, except as you can see this is no lighting calc.

So I'll just list some of the sites I've visited in the recent past.

http://askthebloggess.pnn.com/13150-the-front-page
I am already a huge fan of theblogess.com. So..

http://www.fmylife.com/
I actually got this link from one of the comments from the Bloggess site. But then I noticed the Blogess had mentioned it too. It's so...funny (for the lack of a better word)

http://annie.pnn.com/8000-family
Again, another link from the Blogess comments. I liked what she was saying about family and relationships though I read only a couple of posts.

http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/
I don't even know how I came upon this one. Heaven knows I am not fashionable or even particularly well groomed. I don't think I even wear matching socks sometimes. I loved this site though, especially for the photos!

And there were a few other sites. But Kuttipa is up and awake and I really need to end this post right now. So maybe later...when I ought to be working again.

It grows in bunches

2009-03-13T11:11:00.004-06:00

Since this song is playing in my head all the time these days, I figured I might as well post a link to it.

And then he ate it!

2009-03-13T10:59:00.003-06:00

So half an hour after my crazy rant about avocados being not just avocados, my son decides to eat it all. It's called hunger I guess.

Although it doesn't always work that way. I've had days where he is screaming with hunger but still won't eat whatever it is I'd like him to eat. Even if was the exact same thing he couldn't get enough of a few days ago. And by that I don't mean leftovers (just in case you were wondering).
I do have a friend who thinks I feed my son gross smelling and tasting stuff. And so when we visit her, she keeps trying to cook 'good stuff' for him. Until one day he spit perfectly good 'dosai' out. He didn't like it. Didn't want it. No way no how. Now I think she is more likely to sympathize with me.

I am in a better frame of mind today. Why? Kuttipa is napping. The weather outside is going to be nice. It's Friday which means a weekend of being with the husband. And I had a reasonably restful night last night. And...I don't know, sometimes it's just nice being alive, no?

Not just an avocado.

2009-03-12T12:32:00.008-06:00

Why won't my son eat avocado? Why? He used to love it. And now he won't eat even one spoonful of it. I've tried all kinds of different ways to present it to him and he still won't eat it. And why am I getting so worked up about it? It's just an avocado!! No, it isn't. But I don't know how to explain it.

The avocado is good for him. It's not just that though. If he ate the avocado, it means one less thing for me to figure out what's for lunch for him. Now I've to think of other things for him to eat. Things he still may not like and spit all over the kitchen floor. Which means even more figuring out. It's exhausting! This business of trying to figure out multiple times a day what he'll like and actually eat. And if he ate reasonably well, he'll go down for a nap maybe. Just maybe. Because if he doesn't nap, he'll be cranky and whiny for hours. And then he won't eat his snack or dinner and then he'll keep waking through the night and cry in hunger. Arrggh!

It's not just the avocado. It's all that it represents.

Okay, maybe I need a break!

Nineteen minutes

2009-03-07T20:01:00.004-07:00

More than a month has passed by since I blogged last. It's not for lack of things to write about. With Kuttipa in the house there can never a dearth of subjects. In this past month, he has learned to successfully climb up and down the stairs and loves to go down to the basement if he sees the gate open. He used to be able to clap his hands and wave bye-bye but seemed to forget it for the past few months. Now he is starting to remember again...

Actually the entire month of February has been a big blur. There were so many things on my to-do list for the month and they're all still not done yet. Work-related things and other things, such as getting rid of some of Kuttipa's old clothes and accessories. What did I do last month? I attended a book club meeting a week ago, but that's this month, not last month.

The book club meeting was good though. There were 10 of us and we've each picked a book to read and discuss at the meetings that will be held once a month. So I've got my reading list for the next 10 months. Next month's book is 'Nineteen minutes' by Jodi Picoult. I finished reading it last night after getting it from the library just a couple of days ago. I've got book-addiction issues and this book was particularly un-putdownable.

It deals with a high school shooting where 10 kids are killed and many more injured. The killer is a high school kid himself, one who has been bullied and pushed around and been the target of cruelty from other kids ever since he joined school. Pushed over the edge, he retaliates with a bloody massacre. The book is scary because you realize that any kid could be this kid.. perhaps yours (I hope not). Picoult challenges the notion that a kid who would do this must have terrible parents. Lacy, the mother of the shooter kid couldn't possibly be more caring or loving towards her son. And yet what happens, happens. In the aftermath she is left wondering about what she did wrong. Should she have been more loving, less loving, what? Her pain was described very well and I am thinking Picoult is probably a mother herself, else how could she possibly do this so well?

My instinctive response to this book was fear; Fear that Kuttipa might one day be the victim of bullying in school. But that's a while away and many things can happen between then and now. And I guess I can't protect him from every single thing life throws his way. I wish I could though!

2009-02-02T22:08:00.003-07:00

Kuttipa climbed up on the sofa for the very first time yesterday. He had some help since he used my leg as a step stool. Still, it's a first and so it has been noted. He also spent an hour at a dayhome today - another first. It went reasonably well although I felt guilty and terrible as if I'd abandoned him. The poor lambkin! Not sure when I am going to do it again...

I think I need to organize my time more effectively and work around his schedule better. Of course he could be sleeping better but the reality is that he is not. Instead of perenially lamenting about it maybe I should just accept it and move on...and maybe then I'll actually get some work done.

Speaking of laments, I was listening to the radio recently and I heard some lady lament about how she was not told about the credit card policies when she signed up for it and now she was in deep debt. Excuse me? Is it really that difficult to understand that if you don't pay your credit card bills in full each month, you WILL be in deep doodoo? Hmm...

A few posts ago I'd wondered how so many people were able to afford big screen TVs and fancy vacations. I figured the answer was our high mortgage and single income. Maybe it is. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it's people who are living way beyond their means because they can't figure out their credit card bills. And maybe that's why Canadian bankruptcy rates are on the rise. Or mabye it's just the bad economy. There is never one clear reason for anything is there?

If only I could turn back time..

2009-01-28T22:09:00.004-07:00

'Being Erica' is my new must-see TV thingie these days. It airs Monday nights on CBC television and I've given up watching 'Little Mosque on the Prairie' and 'Sophie' because of this. Why? Because I don't want to watch too much TV all on one night. Also 'Sophie' is absolutely ghastly these days. Looks like they couldn't find a good writer to stick with for the series. I am not saying 'Being Erica' is much better. But it does seem interesting, sort of, kind of, when you shelve logic away.

Erica is a woman who has made some bad choices that have led her to a very mediocre life - dead end job, pathetic love life, etc. She meets a therapist who is able to send her back in time to revisit some of those choices. Then she returns to the exact same point in her dead-end life but her personality has changed for the better after each visit - she is more confident, more willing to take risks, less crippled by others' opinions of her. This is the part that is a bit sidey. For example she realizes that ever since her professor tore up her poem and ridiculed her in class, she stopped writing poetry and has lost the confidence to speak up for her self. That was 10 years ago though. So she revisits the past, stands up to the prof and comes back as a more confident Erica who then makes some snappy decisions in her crappy present and alters it for the better. But but... if Erica did confront her prof in her past, that would mean 10 years of being more confident. Wouldn't that have led to some different decisions and have changed her present entirely? Or is the time travel a metaphor for effective therapy?

Who cares! It's mildly entertaining and that's enough I guess. If I could revisit some of my decisions, which ones would I choose? Now, that's the part I wonder about every now and then. While there is no 'Dr.Tom' to take me back into the past and help undo my mistakes, I can at least analyse why I did what I did and who I can blame for all my mistakes! ;-)

Quote

2009-01-12T14:41:00.002-07:00

"I gave my life to become the person I am right now.
Was it worth it?"

- Richard Bach

Starting afresh

2009-01-11T21:29:00.003-07:00

Jan 11. Take a 1 away and it becomes Jan 1. Just pretend it's the first of Jan for a minute and accept my wishes for a wonderful new year! What's that? You don't want to pretend? Well, there's still a good 354 days left in this year. Wishing you happiness and health and all good things for those 354 days...and beyond!

Hope it's a fantastic year for all of us.

Last post this year

2008-12-31T09:21:00.002-07:00

A bunch of random things..

Kuttipa can dance now. At least it looks like dancing. He stomps his feet continuously as if dancing to the beat of 'thai thai thai thai'.

He has 10 teeth now. Halfway there to a mouthful

He still cannot say any word except 'Amma'. But Amma refers to just about anything, including Me, his father, food etc.

He is running around the house busy with who knows what, as I type this.

He loves playing with wires, garbage, bottles, shoes...Basically anything that he shouldn't play with but he'd rather play with than his 3 boxfuls of toys.

I am reading a book called "From high heels to bunny slippers" written by a psychologist about women needing to stay at home with their kids. It's simplistic and biased and quite interesting (given my current frame of mind).

Another splurge - we paid $90 for a cleaner to come in yesterday and in four hours she managed to get the kitchen and 1.5 bathrooms clean. And we've almost caught up with the backlog of laundry. So feeling pretty good looking at a somewhat cleaner house.

Did I ever mention how grateful I am that I can sing to Kuttipa? Well, I just did.

I just might have the nicest husband. He has gifted me a ticket to go see 'Chicago' this coming Saturday at Jubliee auditorium.

I still haven't started to catch up with my work as I originally intended. Neither has my husband, I think. On the other hand, we borrowed a few movies from the library last week and have caught up with them nicely. :D

We bought cards for the New Year but were too lazy to write and mail them on time. So instead this evening we'll be emailing out ecards (with a photo of Kuttipa attached). I hope.

Whatever your plans for New Year's eve are, hope you have lot of fun! See you next year!

Twitter

2008-12-26T23:43:00.002-07:00

I still don't quite get it but it seems like fun. Although, why bother?

Kuttipa through our new camera

2008-12-26T23:13:00.002-07:00

Boxing day mania

2008-12-26T21:58:00.004-07:00

We got a camera today from Sears! Our previous camera was kind of broken and we've been planning to buy another for a while now. So it's awesome. And we got it for $250 instead of $300. Granted it's not a boxing day bargain like some of the other things but it's a bargain nevertheless. So I was all excited!

And then we saw all these people walking out from Sears carrying big screen flat panel HDTVs.
"How can so many people afford to buy these? And what are we doing wrong?" My husband wondered.
A flat screen HDTV is not high on my wish list anyway but his question made me think.
"Maybe it's because we travel? We went to India this year and usually go someplace or the other every year?"
"On come on! Everyone travels! Our neighbors go to Disneyland every year."

Hmm, that's true. So what WAS it? I wish the answer was that we have investments all over the place and we're saving aggressively. No, the answer is simpler. We bought a house when the prices were at the very peak and we're probably paying a mortgage that's twice as much as our neighbors. And then we had a baby. And then I stopped working (except a few random hours here and there). And that's why our big splurge in 2005 was a trip to Vegas and LA. And our big splurge this year is a digital camera that costs a fraction of the cost of the trip. I gotta wonder what our splurge next year will be?

I am sounding like a spoilt brat eh? I didn't mean to whine. I know my life is abundant with good things and I am really grateful for all of them. Wouldn't trade any of it for a flat panel HDTV even if I could!

Discovering Disney

2008-12-13T21:16:00.004-07:00

I borrowed a CD with classic Disney songs from the library to play to my son. As a result, I've become enamoured with 'Colors of the Wind' from Pocohontas. The lyrics are awesome and the singer's voice is so sweet!

'You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew'

2008-12-11T14:32:00.003-07:00

It was on a long weekend 6 years ago and I was driving back home to New Haven after visiting a friend. I chanced upon a banner that announced the local K-mart in Derby was closing and decided to check it out. I found a couple of things that I wanted and stood patiently in an impossibly long line. I looked around and the woman behind me in line smiled at me. I smiled back and said something along the lines of how crazy it was.
"Yes, it's sad isn't it? Now there is one less alternative to Walmart around here." She said.
I was a bit puzzled. but I figured she was one of those people who hated big chain stores. But if that was the case, what was she doing here at a K-mart?
"Oh I love Walmart. If these guys couldn't keep up with the competition, they deserve to go!" said another woman in the line.
"Do you know at what price they keep things cheap?" The first woman asked.
The other lady just shrugged and turned away from the conversation.
"No, I don't but if you don't like chain stores, why are you here?" I asked trying to understand.
"Oh, I am just showing some support for the competition when and how I can."
"Why Walmart specifically?"
"Because they're the biggest and the worst."
She sounded so earnest and intelligent about it that I went back home and googled for info on Walmart. And I found plenty. It is so easy to hate Walmart! There are too many reasons and at some point you just realize its easier to hate it rather than go through the entire list. And so I've pretty much stopped going there.

I wish I could tell you I am supporting local business and going to the Farmer's Market for all my weekly grocery needs. Alas and alack - I am but a hypocrite, an armchair activist with great intentions but little action. So I go to the Real Canadian Superstore every week. I'll admit I've no idea how they measure up in different things against Walmart.

I do have a couple of good reasons for liking them though. And I am not talking just about the low prices (who knows at what cost) and their convenient location (4 min drive from my house).
1.) I like their policy on plastic bags. You need to buy them or if you brought your own, you get rewarded with points for groceries. Although, this doesn't really cover those flimsy bags you put bunches of carrots or beans in. So its really only a halfway measure but its something...
2.) I like most of the PC branded food products. They don't seem to have too many preservatives and stuff and actually taste pretty good. I especially love love love their cheesecake...

And I might add a third reason. I kind of like the commercials with Galen Weston Jr even though I think he looks like a dork. But that's just my opinion. Apparently there are a lot of women who find him attractive. He even has a Facebook fan club!

Another link from NY times

2008-12-10T20:29:00.002-07:00

I really liked his closing sentence.
"If we had wanted to preserve the Big Three, we would have bought more of their cars."

How true! You can read the entire article here.

And thats the way the cookie crumbles..

2008-12-10T10:57:00.003-07:00

The title of this post was inspired by Kuttipa's crumbling of some cookies I baked yesterday. It was cute to watch. I put him in his high chair and put some cookie pieces on the tray while I fixed his lunch. He ate a piece and decided he didn't want to eat the rest. So he systematically crumbled the remaining pieces till all that remained was brown powder.

He has also learnt how to spit mouthfuls of food and takes great delight in doing it. Mealtimes are often a struggle with us scrambling to find some food that he will actually eat. There is no constant. Yogurt may be a hit today and a dismal failure tomorrow. He used to love cheese but not anymore. And so it goes.

"And how are you?" my friend asked since all I talked about was my son. "I am fine." I really am. Lots of work to catch up on - work work and house work. Instead I watch episode after episode of 'Two and a half men' on TV every night. Or spend hours chasing meaningless links online. But I am fine - for now.

Speaking of links, here is one to an interesting OP-ED in NY times about the auto industry.

Nothing to write about

2008-11-24T23:30:00.002-07:00

Or to boast about.
Been okay with keeping on time except for Friday when I canceled going somewhere because I was running an hour late. I was late because of poor time management and not due to any unforeseen circumstances. So it was bad. Other than that though, I've been okay.
Also doing okay on calling up. There are days when I don't call because I am too tired and I compensate for it the next day. It has been good talking and catching up.
I am currently reading Faulkner Fox's book 'Dispatches from a not so perfect life'. I might write more on it after I read it fully. It has been very thought provoking and has made me think and question things about myself and my life. Is that good or bad? Dunno!
I downloaded a trial version of Photoshop Elements and have been having immense fun playing with it. I love the colors and the brush effects and all that. Maybe I should take up painting again? Who has the time though? I am so behind on work and everything else.

Same pic, another take

2008-11-20T15:13:00.002-07:00

Playing with an old pic

2008-11-20T10:12:00.001-07:00

Thought the end result looked interesting.

Mid week updates

2008-11-19T21:52:00.006-07:00

Monday: Late by 10 minutes - to Gymboree, to pick up my husband and to the gym
Tuesday: On time, to storytime at the library and to pick up my husband in the evening.
Wednesday: On time to Gymboree and to the gym.
Doing good on calling up people, but I did the easy ones so far. There are still some easy ones left. It will get interesting next week or so when I start calling people I've not talked to in years...

Moving on to other things, remember my pet peeve about women judging others on their choices? It is especially so when it comes to motherhood. There are so many charged topics like cosleeping, solid foods, preschool, TV watching, swimming classes and so it goes on. For example if you're breastfeeding you can feel smug about doing it and attack the others for depriving their kids of immunity and the potential for higher intelligence. If you're not breastfeeding you can exchange notes on those weirdos who breastfeed for years and years and years. They can't be normal can they? Can they?

There are so many choices when it comes to each issue and there are always women who feel passionately about them one way or another. Which is okay. I feel strongly about certain things too. What is not okay is getting all judgmental about other people's choices and attacking them for it. Why does that happen though? I read this article yesterday by Faulkner Fox and I was really taken with it. I've placed a hold for her book at the library and am looking forward to the read.

Another challenge

2008-11-16T12:08:00.003-07:00

Concurrently with my ongoing challenge of being on time, I am going to add another one. I am going to call up 30 different friends or relatives over the next 30 days. I've been terrible at keeping in touch and could use this as a motivation. Will post my progress on this on a weekly basis..

Yeah!

2008-11-15T20:31:00.003-07:00

Made it on time. Left at 11:00 am sharp, thanks to a very supportive husband who offered to take care of preparing Kuttipa's lunch. Reached 17th Av at 11:20am. Spent 5 minutes circling around trying to find parking. 11:25 am, I'd paid at the meter and I was there at the salon to meet my friend at 11:30 am. She however showed up at 11:50 am. Not a surprise because I am usually late and I keep her waiting. So I got a chance to see how it is like on the other side - to be the waitee.
Could have maybe been a bit better about returning home earlier though.

Still, progress has been made. I am happy! No appointments tomorrow to be kept. The next one is at Gymboree on Monday morning at 9:15am. Last time, I was fifteen minutes late (for a 45 mintue class). Hope I do better this time.

My 'late' habit

2008-11-14T22:35:00.005-07:00

I am not a smoker. Nor am I an alcoholic or a gambler or a drug addict or a swinger. Yet I have vices that are just as deadly although considerably more boring. Like what? Well, I don't exercise enough or eat healthy or...there is a big list here you know and I aint gonna type it all in.

One thing that has irked me a lot in recent times is my seeming inability to get anywhere and I mean ANYWHERE on time. Its nothing new. I've been that way for as long as I remember. I used to miss my school bus almost every day when I was young, till my father decided to start urging me everyday. Have you packed your bag? Is everything there? Are you dressed for school? Why don't you wear your shoes and then read your book? If you're ready, why don't you leave right now when there is still 5 minutes to spare?

With him urging me, I made it on time more often but then one day I had to leave home and go to college. I was back to my late ways again. Classes started at 8:30am and my department was a good 20 minute walk away from my hostel. At 8:15 am though, I'd still be in the mess, eating breakfast. And then at 8:20 I'd make a mad dash to my department and arrive at 8:35 am or 8:40 am out of breath and slightly sheepish. On some days one of my seniors with a bike would take pity on me and offer me a ride and then I'd be on time. Then I got a bike. Did that change anything? Nope, what happened was I started leaving at 8:25 am or even 8:30 am and was still late!

Then I came to the US for grad school and of course I was late there too. My department was located down the hill downtown and I lived up the hill, near the main campus. A good 20 minute walk here too. Most mornings when I had a class, you could see me running down the hill maniacally desperately trying to make it on time. Some days a kindly bus driver would stop on seeing me even though there was no stop there and give me a (free) ride downtown. Then I got an advisor who threw tantrums when any of us were late. That made me behave for a while. Only where he was concerned though. Other times, I was still late.

My friend had a theory that people were late only when they hated being somewhere. If you're looking forward to being somewhere and doing something, you wouldn't be late would you? It made a lot of sense and made me question myself and my motives. In the end though, it didn't make a difference. I was late everywhere regardless of whether I wanted to be there or not. It could be a meeting at work or a dinner at someones house.

Needless to say I was late every morning at my jobs too. My job in the US and my job here in Calgary. Not a whole lot late, but typically 5 or 10 minutes and I always made up for it in the evenings.

So what has changed? Why am I suddenly irked by my lifelong vice? Because I've taken it to a new dimension after Kuttipa's birth. I could dash out the door previously and still make it within 5 or 10 minutes of the original time. Now dashing out the door is impossible. I've to make sure his sippy cup is packed and there is a snack packed just in case and that he has socks on and perhaps a jacket if needed. I need to plan well in advance and get my act together if I need to be on time anywhere. But I am not doing that. I am still behaving like I can dash out the door 5 minutes before the appointment. What's the result? I am REALLY late - 1/2 hour or sometimes an hour late. Late to doctor appointments, late to library classes, late to meet friends, late late late everywhere, everytime.

A couple of days ago I stumbled onto this post by Steve Pavlina. I'd never heard of this guy before but am starting to go through his site. I like his writing style - its sensible yet inspiring. At least the stuff I've read thus far anyway. So inspired by this article, I've decided to do a 30 day challenge of being on time. It actually started today but today went bad. I was supposed to meet a friend at an indoor play area at 2:00pm. It was a 25 minute drive and I left home at 1:30 even though I intended to leave at 1:15pm. Construction delays and some wrong directions from google maps set me back and I reached at 2:15pm. I would have been on time had I left at 1:15 like I intended. But there are still 29 days left. I am meeting a friend at 11:30am tomorrow. Let's see how that goes...I'll write again tomorrow night.

2008-11-14T20:28:00.003-07:00

I've been beating myself up for missing the deadline to the Vibe 98.5 Cute kid contest. Sure, there are like 2400 kids entered in it but still Kuttipa would have had a chance, right? I am not sure which photo I'd have entered though. Probably the one below, taken a few months ago when it was still summer.

Plum yum rummm....

2008-11-13T10:46:00.005-07:00

Christmas didn't mean much to me when I was growing up. It wasn't as flashily celebrated (back then) as Deepavali or Pongal or even New Year day. The only thing I associated with it were the colourful illuminated stars displayed on the facades of people's houses. We had two Christian neighbors for a while and every time I passed by their house, I'd stop and admire the stars. The other thing associated with Christmas was cake, or more specifically plum cake. My father's friend gifted us a large plum cake each year at and it was soooo good!

My attempts at finding good plum cake here in North America have been unsuccessful. Every year I succumb to the supermarket displays of fruitcake and end up buying a package and then being quite disappointed with it. This year was no exception. So I wondered if it was maybe a good idea to make it myself if the recipe was easy enough. A search for fruit cake recipes yields thousands of results and many of them are from the site cooks.com. In particular though, I LOVED this recipe.
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1619,159163-255200,00.html
You won't have any fruitcake at the end of it, but hey you'll be so drunk, you won't notice! Yeah!

Ha, another Monday!

2008-11-10T19:14:00.004-07:00

So soon too. This Monday wasn't bad though. Busy but not bad. Both Kuttipa and I had a cold most of last week. I know I am almost over it and I hope Kuttipa is almost over it too. He seems to have a bit of a sore throat or something. Or maybe it's just general fussiness in eating. I wish I knew exactly what was going on with him sometimes when he cries. I know that a lot of moms say they are pretty good at reading the cues but somehow I am not there yet. Maybe its my reduced brain power. I am never quite sure when he cries. Is he sleepy? Did he hit himself? Is he not feeling well? Is he sleepy? Is he throwing a tantrum because he wants something? Does he not like whatever it is that I am trying to feed him?

My friend will be delivering her baby soon - today or tomorrow. Hope all goes well for her.

When you're pregnant your greatest worry is getting the baby out. It's only when you have the baby that you begin to realize that your worries are just beginning. A lifetime of worries, big and small. No one ever told me that you have to start being mentally strong when you become a parent. Even if they did, it wouldn't have meant much. Just words. There is so much advice everyone gives you when you're pregnant but mostly you learn it all first hand before it sinks in (and then you advise others ;-)). So I wouldn't have taken it seriously if someone had warned me that I'd need mental strength. But its true! If you broke down at the slightest of worries, you'd be a nervous wreck in a week. But again, you have to somehow understand when to worry and when not to. I wish I knew how that worked!

Yes, we can!

2008-11-04T22:26:00.006-07:00

The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in his Heaven -
All's right with the world!

-Robert Browning

Yes, I know that Obama is not a superhero. He cannot work miracles. I am still celebrating though! And so should you!

Just another **** Monday

2008-11-03T20:14:00.002-07:00

And I am not even working anymore...So I've no reason to complain about Mondays really. And coming to think of it, my grumpiness has nothing to do with it being Monday today. I am grumpy because - well so many reasons really, petty stuff all of them. Sure sign that I need to be having more fun with my life. If you're busy having fun, there is no time to be grumpy, is there?

Today I became part of the herd of moms who enroll their children in Gymboree paying $$$. Why? Because I truly think Kuttipa needs to have more interaction and needs more stimulation beyond what I can provide for him at home. So Gymboree we went and joined. It seems pretty good too. I was impressed with their obstacle course and toys and everything. The instructor seemed pretty fake though and that would be the only thing I wish I could change. I also attend the free programs at the library. They don't have colorful toys there but the instructors are very warm and genuine. Oh well, can't have it all.

So its D day tomorrow - US elections. I was getting worked up about it and feeling resentful that I had no control over the results. But then really, even if Obama wins, are miracles going to happen? Oh don't mind me. I am just cynical and grumpy today. If there is some US citizen who does stumble upon my blog today, I would still encourage you to go and vote tomorrow.

Trick or treat

2008-10-31T21:21:00.002-06:00

Kuttipa went trick or treating today - his first. Or should I say, I took him trick or treating? It's not as if Kuttipa walked out the door bag in hand and went knocking on other people's doors asking for candy. In a couple of years he might.

We also went to Market mall today for their Maskoween event. I was there for an hour and a half and spent most of my time waiting in line for a photo at the pumpkin patch. The end result wasn't that impressive, despite the cuteness of the subject.

It was nice looking at all the interesting costumes though. Lots of princesses, bats, pumpkins, superheros and such. There was even a kid dressed as a toothbrush. Pretty unique, right?

Happy Deepavali

2008-10-26T18:55:00.003-06:00

Feeling very wistful since I just called home to wish my parents in India. My uncle and aunt from Bangalore have joined them and they all seemed to be having a good time. I could hear fireworks in the background. My mother described the scrumptious meal they had the night before and doubtless there will be more tasty treats today. Everyone sounded so happy! I wish I could be there enjoying it all, soaking up the festive atmosphere instead of here, writing about it in a few minutes snatched between Kuttipa's dinnertime and bedtime. Oh well, hopefully next year...

I called up a cousin today and we took a joint trip down memory lane to the Deepavali of our childhoods. Growing up as an only child, I really looked forward to Deepavali when all of us could meet up. We played silly games, sang silly songs and had so much fun!!

The festival of lights is here...
Let's sing! Let's dance!
Let's celebrate joyfully!

Lucky you! Lucky me!

2008-10-19T21:41:00.004-06:00

I've always considered myself medium-lucky. I don't typically win lotteries or lucky draws or prizes in casinos. On the other hand, I've got an awesome kid, an amazing husband and things like that. I was lucky to be born where I was born instead of some war torn, famine ridden part of the planet. I was lucky to have parents that loved me and raised me responsibly instead of being potheads or something. I am lucky to have the luxury of typing this blog now instead of worrying about shelter and food tonight.

Yeah, so I didn't win the scratch n win thing at Safeway. So what?

I am fascinated by people who win those things though. Some people tend to win such things more often than others do... or it seems to me. Some people also tend to suffer misfortunes in life more often than others. No matter how much we like to think we're in control of our lives and destinies, I think luck has a HUGE part to play in this. A control freak might wonder if you can control your luck! Fans of 'The Secret' will probably say yes. The ever helpful google turned up 8,270,000 links when I searched for 'How to be lucky'. Much as I like wasting time, I didn't have the patience to check them all out, but here is an article I found interesting.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/2622567.stm

Burn her! Burn her!

2008-10-13T23:11:00.003-06:00

In these times of hate mongering by Palin, this classic video from Monty Python takes on a new relevance...

He walked!

2008-10-13T10:50:00.002-06:00

Since Saturday, Kuttipa has been walking a few steps at a time. I am so thrilled!!!

How to lose friends and alienate people

2008-10-10T21:26:00.005-06:00

I've not seen this movie yet but would like to. Catchy title. 'Could apply to you', my husband said. Why? Because of my comments on the LLL in my previous post. But, I wasn't being sarcastic! Really, I truly, sincerely believe that the LLL is populated with noble selfless wonderful ladies. They've given me tons and tons of help and support when I needed it the most and I enjoy attending their meetings. I really wouldn't dream of being sarcastic about them. Seriously.

'You still have a knack of saying the wrong things to the wrong people' my hubby says. Maybe he has a point. Maybe I do antagonize people. Even my own cousin thinks I am a terrible person. I mean I spoke with her a few days ago and here is snippet of our conversation.

She: How is the baby doing?
Me: Great! He turned a year old a couple of days ago.
She: Wow! Convey my kisses and birthday wishes to him.
Me: Sure will.
She: So, how did you celebrate?
Me: Nothing much. I baked a cake and we went to the temple in the evening.
She: That's nice
Me: Yeah. We're planning on performing the Aayush Homam on the 23rd. And then on the 25th, we're having a party.
She: (very astonished) A party??? You have friends???

Now, I happen to know that she is in general a sweet person without a sarcastic bone in her body. She seemed genuinely surprised that I would have friends. So what can this mean? Of course, it just confirms that I am a terrible person! If I weren't a terrible person, would I posting this conversation here at all? ;-)

Chief nourisher in life's feast

2008-10-09T08:07:00.005-06:00

Shakespeare certainly knew what he was talking about when he referred to sleep that way. Sleep nourishes you and helps you enjoy your wakeful hours so much better! I've wanted to write about sleep for a while now - Our lack of it, my growing obsession with it and my failed attempts to impose some kind of schedule on Kuttipa.

Before I launch into my sleep diatribe though, let me tell you about something cute that Kuttipa did recently. We were at the library for a Mother Goose story and rhyme session for babies recently. Midway during the program they serve snacks to the babies - this time it was Cheerios in a small paper cup, the kind you drink water from. As soon as Kuttipa sees the cup he opens his mouth and tips his head back and tries to drink from it. So whats the big deal? I actually thought it was pretty smart of him - he associated a cup with drinking. I know....I know...just a mother's pride in silly little things - but I cant help feeling happy when I notice things like that.

Now onto sleep. I happened to see a bit of Oprah the other day and the doc there was talking about how pregnancy shrinks a woman's brain by about 9% (ouch!). The good news is that it grows post delivery back to its original size but there are two things to do to enable that growth - eat plenty of Omega 3s and sleep a lot. Apparently the growth hormone is secreted in sleep and so being sleep deprived is going to kind of fry your brain. Oh, so that explains it all! But how are you supposed to sleep with a newborn on your hands? No one expects you to. But by the time your baby is 6 months old, they expect you to start catching up on those Zzzz s.

Excuse me, but I have a one year old baby here who clearly missed the bulletin sent out about sleeping through the night at 6 months. He wakes up every couple of hours - sometimes every hour and even worse, at times will stay awake for a couple of hours sometime in the night.

Stop whining! The problem is the cosleeping and breastfeeding. Stop both. Wean him and move him to his own crib in his own room. Sure he'll cry up a storm initially but watch how fast he learns to sleep on his own. Both of you will be feeling much better. This is advice I get constantly from friends, from the public health nurses and from even random people on the street.

Hmm.. Tempting. Tempting. Especially since I see all the non-nursing independently sleeping babies around his age sleep 10 or 11 hours straight and also take 2 hour naps at daytime. But I chose this lifestyle for a reason didn't I? Besides, am I strong enough to watch him cry for hours on end? Erm...maybe not...('Sucker!' my friends hiss)

So whats a co-sleeping breastfeeding mother to do? Why don't you night wean him, my husband asks. What a great idea! I think I'll ask for tips at the next LLL meeting. And so I do. They all look a bit shocked. "How old is your baby again?" one lady asks. Another says "It seems a bit early to be night weaning. The optimal age is 22 months." TWENTY TWO months? Clearly LLL is filled with stalwarts of selflessness who have no trouble waking every half hour if needed. But I am clearly not one of them.

Frenzied googling on the subject yielded a very promising link.
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp
Dr.Gordon, I've not heard of you before but you give me such hope with your words. So I've decided to give this nightweaning a try. Wish me luck and then some more!

Remembering the details

2008-10-06T10:28:00.003-06:00

This time last year, I was in my final stages of labour. The nurses and doctors were scrambling to get ready since I'd come to the hospital almost ready to push the baby out...Well, not almost but then they did make me wait for an hour in the corridor since all the rooms were full. I was practically passing out from the pain but paradoxically the pain also kept me conscious. I was screaming my lungs out after having put up with it all quietly for more than 10 hours. At that stage I was beyond caring. I didn't care if my screaming annoyed anyone; I didn't care how it would appear; I didn't care if I could be heard beyond the hospital. I just screamed because it felt good to scream.

And then suddenly - very suddenly, it was all over. The doctor plopped the sticky slimy slippery baby atop my tummy. I know this is supposed to be a beautiful moment, the happiest moment ever and all that - but really I just felt strange and disconnected. If I could have talked I'd have probably said 'What's this?'. I was too weak to talk and totally out of things. Someone - a doctor or nurse whisked the baby away to be cleaned and examined. I didn't take an epidural or drugs (by choice) but I was still feeling distant and foggy (I was losing blood). I heard Kuttipa crying and crying and suddenly quietening down as soon as my husband spoke to him. And so for the next hour my husband kept talking to him while the doctors were bustling around me. Things started looking up after we left the delivery room and were moved to a recovery room. The nurses were awesome and very supportive. My husband and my parents were there. Kuttipa was right with me, asleep on my chest and I savoured the delight of becoming a mother.

A year later I can look back and say this has been a crazy year, a happy year, a beautiful year - what a trip! And my darling babe, my precious one, my love, my life, my dearest kuttipa, happy birthday to you! Wishing you health and happiness and lots and lots of birthdays!

Aromatherapy

2008-10-03T01:07:00.005-06:00

Apparently sniffing vanilla can slim you down. The theory here is that the smell of vanilla gives you the satisfaction of having eaten a baked goodie without actually having done so. I should give it a try! On the other hand, I do remember using my friend's vanilla scented hand soap and feeling distinctly hungry every time I used it! Why does hand soap need to smell of vanilla anyway? Or raspberry? Or melon? Do they(manufacturers) want people to start eating their hands? Did my friend owe her wonderful figure to the vanilla hand soap? Did she ever try biting her hand? If used continually, would it actually work the way it says? Will Elizabeth May win even one seat in this election? (I liked her best in the debate tonight, but I can't vote!) So many questions....

Meanwhile if you're interested in the smell theory, check out the link below.
http://www.quickandsimple.com/diet-weight-loss/be-happy-stress-relief/scents-moods