Update

It's 11:14pm here, Belfast time. I am sitting here feeling weird. I came to the computer after a long day with Kuttipa (who didn't even nap today) ended with him falling asleep for the night around 9pm. I figured I could put in a couple of hours of work except that when I checked my email, it looks like I've been fired from 'The Project'.

There is a part of me that feels terrible about this, since I've always been good at my work and this is the first I've let things slip by so badly. How does this reflect on me as a professional? How can I expect them to give me work again once I return to Calgary? What will happen when others in the small community that is my profession, come to know of this incident? These are only some of the questions awhirl in my mind.

Undeniably though, there is a small tiny part that feels relieved. And then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. But that doesnt stop the relieved part from feeling relieved. The mind is what it is.

Monday morning and you know how that goes

It's dull gray and dreary outside and both Kuttipa and I have a cold. Okay, I am actually feeling way better cold-wise than how he looks. Poor kiddo!

I do have some self-inflicted crap churning away inside my mind affecting how everything is perceived. For starters, there is 'The Project'. It is titled thus since I've been theoretically been working for an entire year on it. How much work have I actually put into it? About 40 hours - a regular work week(or less) for most people. Yeah, not a whole lot I know. I started work on it and then assumed with time it had died a natural death. I didn't receive follow-up emails asking for it either and so I continued with my assumptions. There were other projects that came along which I more or less finished on time and everyone seemed happy. And then came the call and an email about a few days ago asking me about the project status since the client was asking for it. Obviously I couldn't tell them that I thought it had died a natural death, that my weekends were spent roaming around Northern Ireland, that I'd actually rather go see Harry Potter if I do get a couple of hours off instead of working on this. Nooooo.... Instead I am lying low, trying to do as much of it as possible and send him an email with some updated work in the next couple of days. Except as you can see, I am blogging right now. Not working. Crap!

Self inflicted crap #2 (no pun intended there): Googled a friend's name. Couldn't help it. I've been doing it every now and then for the past several years. Ever since we had a falling out for unfathomable reasons really. The last time I did this was probably over a year ago. No results then. And then this time - several results. Came to know she is in Bangalore and doing very well work wise and probably personally too. Good, right? Yeah, except that it has somehow stirred up all the old feelings up again and I am all a-muddle. I went through quite a bit of angst about this a few years ago and couldn't even listen to certain songs because they would remind me of her. Most of this angst was because I had no clue why she cut off abruptly. And now here is her email address in plain sight. Her husband is on facebook. I can easily contact them and perhaps renew the friendship. But is that really possible or even desirable?

There is a tamil poem that likens friends who have parted ways, to a grain and it's husk. Once separated they can never be joined as before.

Okay, I'll go work now.

Kuttipa climbed up on the sofa for the very first time yesterday. He had some help since he used my leg as a step stool. Still, it's a first and so it has been noted. He also spent an hour at a dayhome today - another first. It went reasonably well although I felt guilty and terrible as if I'd abandoned him. The poor lambkin! Not sure when I am going to do it again...

I think I need to organize my time more effectively and work around his schedule better. Of course he could be sleeping better but the reality is that he is not. Instead of perenially lamenting about it maybe I should just accept it and move on...and maybe then I'll actually get some work done.

Speaking of laments, I was listening to the radio recently and I heard some lady lament about how she was not told about the credit card policies when she signed up for it and now she was in deep debt. Excuse me? Is it really that difficult to understand that if you don't pay your credit card bills in full each month, you WILL be in deep doodoo? Hmm...

A few posts ago I'd wondered how so many people were able to afford big screen TVs and fancy vacations. I figured the answer was our high mortgage and single income. Maybe it is. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it's people who are living way beyond their means because they can't figure out their credit card bills. And maybe that's why Canadian bankruptcy rates are on the rise. Or mabye it's just the bad economy. There is never one clear reason for anything is there?