Friday, August 22, 2008

Is the grass greener either side?

Its Friday again! Another week gone amidst diapers, baby cereal and facebook bubble words. Oh, but I did read a book - a very good one. So thats a plus for this week! What was the book? 'The other mother' by Gwendolyn Gross.

It was a very intense and insightful book and I really enjoyed reading it. The book is narrated alternately between Thea a stay-at-home-mom and Amanda a career woman mom. Both feel superior to the other for their own choices and both are also jealous of the other for the things they cannot have. Thea envies Amanda her freedom away from the house and her being able to have a self that wasn't only mother. Amanda on the other hand feels perpetually guilty for being away from her baby and hiring someone else to do the mothering.

I can empathize with both sides. There are days when I just want to run away; When I envy my husband being able to go off and work and be part of a different universe; When the list of chores seem repetitive and dull and overwhelming; When Kuttipa's constant struggle to sleep or eat gets under my skin and I want to scream and swear.

And then there are times when I wonder if I can bear to stay away from Kuttipa; to give him away to a daycare provider or a nanny and walk away. I just returned to the computer after unsuccessfully trying to extend Kuttipa's nap. All the while that I was trying to put him back to sleep, Kuttipa grinned at me partly adoringly and partly mischievously as if daring me to try to make him sleep again. He grabbed my hair, stroked my cheeks, grabbed my nose and was generally being the baby that he is! Can I stand the thought that he might look equally adoringly at a nanny who came instead of me? Of course not! Would the nanny even try rocking him to sleep? Would she worry about what he ate and what he didn't? Maybe she would, but I don't want to take a chance.

Which is why I stay at home.

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