Thursday, December 14, 2006


No reason in particular for posting this except to add some color to this webpage. This is a photo I took but I don't remember where - Victoria I think, last summer.

Personalities and such

I am sometimes a big fan of online personality tests (as the prev post indicates). Its mildly entertaining and satisfying to my neurotic self-indulgent side...After all if the whole world does not understand me, at least an online site does!

Can you really summarize a person or the essence of a person in a few words? And if you can, can you believe it? Is that all you are? Or do you start acting like that in a manner of fulfilling your own prophesy? One of the challenges I am facing in writing my book is the charecterization - trying to create distinct believable personalities by describing their words, thoughts and actions. Its something that separates the writers I enjoy reading from the others. Take Candace Bushnell for example (yet again). None of the charecters in either book I read stand out. Even though they have different names, they behave like a large collective middle aged New York woman. Whoever wrote the screenplay for Sex and the City has done a marvellous job in creating the charecters, since the book is nothing like the show. It helps that the TV version has a visual aspect which helps with the whole separation process...

On a personal note about understanding and being understood - I spoke to my friend recently, the one I speak to twice a year. It was a long conversation which resumed over and over during the day...It had been so long and there was so much to catch up on. I had been in a funk about my non-career among other things and she had been in funks of her own. At the end of it, even though there was no solution at hand, I felt relieved. I had been heard and understood. And somehow I felt clean - like I was starting over. All my problems still remain, but the simple act of listening and understanding makes such a huge difference! I've known her for close to eight years now and I'd always assumed that we were similar and that was the binding factor in our friendship. Now I realize that we are not similar and that we in fact have different interests and objectives. What binds us in friendship is that we can understand each other and that we care.

It seems like a very simple thing - but its so rare to find in today's world. Maybe thats what drives people to shrinks! Most of my friends fall in one category or another. They understand, but don't have time to care or they care, but don't understand. And it sort of works the other way too...If I feel I don't have the mental connection with a person, I find it difficult to care about them or their happiness. Yes, of course I am cruel and heartless! Why, I took a test yesterday that said the very thing!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Color test

ColorQuiz.comJeevita took the free personality test!

"Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Flu induced thoughts

This probably should be in the other blog - but what the heck..

Been reading a couple of chick lit books lately my excuses being the flu and doing research for my own book (which is progressing at snail's pace. Still stuck with Chapter 1).

The first one was 'Lipstick Jungle' by Candace Bushnell (of Sex and the City fame) which had good reviews on Amazon, so I decided to borrow it from the library (I rarely buy books unless I am certain I'll read it multiple times). The first thing I noticed about the book was her photo on the back cover (my husband noticed and commented on it too). She looked kind of hot...I wonder if its a prerequisite for chick-lit authors to look hot because they all do seem that way. Or is it merely the power of the airbrush?

Anyway the book was okay. Sort of. She tried to come off as being fair to both sexes and all that sort of thing. It was fascinating to read about rich women in positions of power, but beyond that, where is the story? What's the plot? What's the point of all these pages and pages? What's with the ending that seems like the author got tired of writing one day and wrote a feel-good chapter to finish it off?

The other book I read was The Bachelorette party by Karen McCullah Lutz. I don't even remember why I picked up this book especially since I'd never heard of the author (who is actually quite famous), but I am glad I did. The Publishers Weekly review sums it as 'chick lit for mean girls'. I guess I am a mean girl then, since I thoroughly enjoyed the book and laughed heartily. Why hasn't this book been made into a movie yet??

A couple of changes to the blog. Removed the Smith Jones post for further refinement. Also decided to consolidate my identity into Jeevita...

Monday, October 02, 2006

Memories of childhood

My earliest memory is of Saroja - not a coherent picture, merely a wisp of an image of a smiling person I adored. I was apparently 2 years old then and Saroja was a maid in our house. I don't remember anything till almost a year later, in a different city, I remember running between rooms in a long corridor shouting meaningless things trying to sound impressive to my uncle and aunt. I especially remember very clearly the puzzled expression on my uncle's face. I was later told that they had just had their first child and I now wonder if the bewilderment was actually fear that their daughter might also terrorize unknown people with meaningless statements some day. I also vaguely remember a boy and girl from some house nearby who would occasionally play with me downstairs around the house.

My clearest memories, when I became aware of myself as an independent entity seem to be after I started school at the age of 3. It’s as if from then on, life acquired color and texture and form. I didn't even like school very much. I remember crying every day, every single day about not wanting to go to school, hating it, protesting, screaming, sobbing, dragging my feet on the ground. I remember the kindly face of Mrs. Emmanuel and my desire to impress her. I remember writing meaningless things like the alphabet without knowing what they were or why they were needed. I remember walking from home to school accompanied by my grandfather mostly, but sometimes riding on the bicycle with my father's peon Srinivasan. Sometimes my mother would give me a mint lollipop as an incentive for me to go to school. I still recall the sheer joy of the moment - of motion on the bicycle and of the minty sweetness of the lollipop. There couldn't have been a happier girl than me then.

I remember Meenakshi the huge menacing servant maid who was sometimes sent to escort me to school, standing and peeing behind trees enroute, while I was made to wait. And when I protested, she would step on my toes hard, really hard, squishing my toes till I screamed with pain and couldn't think of anything else but the pain. I hated her so much. And yet I was powerless and sent to school again and again with her. I remember playing with her daughter though, a lass a few years older than I, making idlis out of dried red mud.

Another memory - a friendly watchman in a big rich looking house located on the way to school. I remember the house too - a house covered with colours and colours of Bougainvillea. Every time I waved to him, he would give me a bouquet of the pink, orange and red flowers and this was truly a highlight of going to school.

Of the school itself I remember little, except a vague feeling of terror at being caught not knowing English; or being caught not knowing to count beyond 100. To me, numbers like alphabets were another strange concept that meant nothing beyond the rhythmic chant of repeating them in sequence. I also remember being hit on the knuckles, being asked to kneel down on the table, and even worse, standing upright on the table for an entire hour because I didn't do my homework or answer something right. Among all subjects I remember Moral Instruction the most, because Mrs.Monto the instructor guaranteed us that we would all end up in a sea of tea - or thats what I thought. This possibility was intriguing and caught my imagination as I imagined myself floating along in cardamom scented sugary syrup. Later I came to know that she meant 'Thee' the Tamil word for fire, and not Tea. I don't know what kind of person threatens first graders with burning in hell for eternity, but I am very glad for the Thee Tea misunderstanding.

I even begin to remember individual classmates at this point - Durga Devi, Singaram(who always said Rhesus when he meant urine), Javed (the curly haired spectacled boy who seemed to know everything) and Kavita (the most popular girl in class). How does one become popular in first grade at the age of five and acquire a following? I guess some people are truly born leaders!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Poem of the day

Read this today and found it hilarious! I mean, really.. songs for fathers of female infant girls? How wild is that?

Monday, August 28, 2006


One advantage of reflecting internally endlessly or being distracted by the outside world - You conveniently ignore the things that need focus: the immediate crises and the dangers outside.

A planet facing environmental disaster and entire governments that do nothing about it.

A planet ridden with conflict and violence in every corner of the world.

Increasing poverty, homelessness, disease and sorrow in all parts of the world.

Increasing corruption and callousness among politicians who cannot see beyond the tip of their nose or the balance in their bank account.

Oh yeah... the world is falling apart around me! What can I do?

Try to make a difference in EVERY way I can.


Give some token donation to organizations who claim to make a difference and then feel good about having saved the planet.


Get drunk on my own little life and its details and forget the planet!

I know what I am going to do! Do you?


In an attempt to try something different, I've decided to move some of my posts from here to another blog. Of course, in the end it does not matter much. The frog still stays in the well, regardless of its thoughts.

I am pretty excited about the house, although we've not unpacked and organized it as yet. I am also slightly nervous about the whole mortgage thing and changing my work hours thing. Why do I feel so guilty about trying to do what I want to do? Because this is pretty close to a free lunch and as we all know there is no such thing, is there?

Anyway I'll take heart from an excerpt from Preethi Nair that I've pasted below. Not very poetic or inspiring at first sight, but read it and you'll see why I liked it!

'I will also tell you another thing about the magic of hopes and dreams: at any point along a journey, the day you decide to take back responsibility for your actions and put your trust and faith not in fear but back in yourself, those hopes and dreams will come flooding back and the belief and the energy that charges them will take them forward to a place that is home.'

Friday, August 25, 2006


"Shy people live too much in their heads, obsessed with the past, the future, or both. A shy person in conversation is not apt to think about what is being said at the moment, but about how past conversations have initially gone well and then deteriorated--just as the current one threatens to. Says Zimbardo: "These are people who cannot enjoy that moment because everything is packaged in worries from the past--a Smithsonian archive of all the bad--that restructure the present."

Source: An article from Psychology Today, Dec 2004

That completely explains me and all my neurotic internalizing, doesn't it? I am shy!! Like I didn't know that?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

What this woman really wants

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

My husband suddenly mentioned this quote today during our evening walk, and since it tied up with things I've been thinking about recently, I decided to include it in this post.

What do I really want? Is it really truly what I wrote a couple of posts ago, with the SFO et al?
Or was that just a list that would look good on paper/screen and make me appear noble in front of family and friends? 'Oh she wants to have her own business! How adorable!'
Well, obviously having my own business wouldn't hurt and being in SFO wouldn't hurt either, considering its one of my all time favorite places.

But in that burning deep way that happens when you really want something, what do I want?

1.) To write a book - a good read and get it published
2.) To somehow integrate more writing into my career
3.) To lose like a million pounds and get my health back on track

I am trying a different way of eating for life, but so far Iam pretty impatient for it to start working (and it hasn't, at least not in a big way yet).

As for the other goals, I am working on them. I do wish I had the luxury of having more time to devote to them though.

This Emerson is a pretty cool person. There are tons of his quotes floating around online, but here are a couple more I liked:

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

(I've always beleived this!!)

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.”

(How true!!!)

Friday, August 04, 2006


Just one of those days... When I seem to question everything about my life, but don't really have the courage or willpower to change anything. Something is wrong for sure - internally or externally is the question. I really wish there was someone I could talk about it with, but everyone has their own lives to question and be busy with..

Its funny that the person I consider my dearest friend now talks only on 3 occasions with me: My birthday, her birthday and New Year. My life is changing and she doesn't have a clue, and likewise I've no idea whats happening with her anymore. It stems from her basic belief that her life is too crazy and that she doesn't have time to keep in touch with people. What she doesn't realize is that life is ALWAYS crazy and that time must be made..

My posts do seem more angst ridden as time goes by. Its strange that when I blogged as Suchangst, my posts were anything but angsty (well, except for the initial few) and now all I can write is this stuff...

And it seems like all I can read without getting depressed is light fluffy chick-lit stuff, to escape from my own reality and briefly occupy someone else wonderful life where everything falls neatly in place. I always did like fantasy and sci-fi stuff, but at least I read something that challenged my mind and imagination. Now, I am just dumbing down the whole experience, since I cannot be bothered to make the effort to even imagine!

It must be a common problem though. Why else would these books be written and published and sold in millions?

Monday, July 24, 2006


Careful what you wish for... I've heard this so many times and yet, does that stop me from wishing for weird things?

I wished in my previous post to be still and do nothing. I didn't really expect it to come true so fast. I had a devil of a migraine headache yesterday. So all I could do was be still and do nothing and my head still hurt! So should I add disclaimers to my wish .. 'to be still and do nothing, while being in perfect health and possessing the ability to move and do anything' or 'to be still and do nothing, by choice, while in fact being able to do the opposite' ..

Should I merely negate my wish and be thankful that today my headache is gone, and I can in fact do a lot of things?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Recent news

Too much time between my last blog and this one.
Too many things have happened as well. We did find a house and we are moving in next month. I am quite terrified about the whole process though. Maintaining an apartment has been challenging enough for me, a challenge I constantly fail at that. Now the realm of my responsibility increases to include a yard, a lawn and a whole bunch of other things I've no idea about... How do people live in houses? How do people live?

How DO people live? Thats what I wonder on some days when I am exceedingly tired. My dream is to be perfectly still and do nothing .... the inertia heaven. My mother on the other hand, cannot be still and just vegetate in front of the TV for instance. She constantly has to do something as she proved in her recent visit. Is that the normal way to be and do I just have a work ethic gene that got misplaced somewhere?

Went to Vancouver recently. Beautiful beautiful absolutely gorgeous city! The city is so alive and vibrant! The architecture downtown is not just a series of dull boxes, although they do have their share of that. But its the ones that are not dull grey or brown boxes that give the city life. I never realized how responsive my mind was to good architecture and design around me, till I went without. Its like my hostel days in college. I was so accustomed to eating disgusting watered down crap at the mess, that when I went to a restaurant after 4 months and ate good food, I started weeping. The feeling is the same... the instant realization of what you've missed and how much you've missed it and an outraged feeling of having been cheated. I would defintely move to Vancouver if I could.

Some of my other favorite places where I'd like to live if I could:
1.) Ernakulam, Kerala (incredibly beautiful)
2.) Goa (duh!)
3.) New York city (yes, inspite of the muggers and all)
4.) San Francisco (although I've not seen enough of it yet)

Friday, April 07, 2006

Risky business

The past couple of weeks have found me stressed and worried about finding a house.
Not a calming activity in any scenario, but particularly stressful considering Calgary's economy and our lack of knowledge.

Luckily there is the internet! So we're able to see the listing, map the areas they're in and estimate the distances to our relative workplaces. The internet has also taught us about the different types of furnaces, the different types of siding & shingles, the different kinds of whatever you want to know and how to waste an incredible amount of time, learning about absolutely irrelevant things.

Still its a great tool, this internet. What a pity it cannot also tell us what the option with least risk and greatest profit is! It is the business of weighing one risk against another that is probably the most stressful. What are we willing to live with?

We threw away a perfectly good place in a wonderful unpolluted scenic neighborhood and a posh interior because it was too small for us. Now we're searching 'bigger'. But at what cost? A longer commute? A not so great neighborhood? Continual traffic noise from the highway? A much higher price? Something's gotta give, and I don't know what. Maybe we'll just give up!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Snow and our city

We had a ton of snow dumped on us today - 23rd Feb. "We" as in who? On a macroscopic level, all of Calgary and most of Southern Alberta. On a more personal level, "We" is my husband and me. How easily and naturally I've fallen into "We" mode. My husband would point out at this juncture that we're not newlyweds anymore for me to be analyzing thus. And perhaps he is right. At a year and a half of marriage, I feel like I've been married forever... and I mean this in a good way... mostly ;-).

Just yesterday I was talking to a co-worker about my car which was stolen 3 years ago. "We thought maybe the car had been stolen for the parts!" We? I didn't even know my husband existed then. So who is the "We" I talked about? Not content with my husband being part of my present and my future, was I incorporating him into my past as well?

Okay, that last sentence sounded a bit Carrie Bradshawish. Or would that be more like "Was I dragging my Future to be Present in my Past?" If you've no idea what I am talking about, go watch 'Sex and the City', on on some channel somewhere most days and definitely on TBS Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Its one of my favorite shows. There, I've admitted it shamelessly!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Remember Lee Fiora, who I spent hours reading about and identifying with? Apparently a lot of people don't like her and even cheered when she got slapped by her father. At least thats what Curtis Sittenfeld says in this article:

I wish there were a way to go tell Sittenfeld how much I LIKED Lee and her story. I am sure there are people doing that as well, but it can never be enough... and I speak from personal experience.

God, I really am waiting for her next book. Judging by its subject though, do I really want to read it??

Monday, January 30, 2006

A mini post (better ignored than read)

Just some keywords to include in this page - just in case someone searched.
Sundara Aravinda Vikaasa..
Ajik Ijik Lekha... (SAP, NASA, Bhai kadai, Anna Univ)
Surely there must be other bloggers out there who share my alma maters. I couldn't find 'em. Hence the keywords in this blog.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Vivaaa Las Vegas!

Does that show a lack of taste?
People seem to either hate Vegas or love it. I've not heard one indifferent response yet "Yeah, we went to Vegas. It was alright..."
So far, upon telling my coworkers that I've been to Vegas, I've either been inundated with questions and tales of their own trip(s) to Vegas, or I've had people screwing up their face in disgust 'What a phony place!". Nothing in between.

I think the ones who hate Vegas haven't really seen all that Vegas has to offer. Or maybe they've seen it all too many times. Or maybe all their enjoyment is passed thru a filter before it is experienced... Although, coming to think of it, which one of us does not pass his/her experiences through one filter or another? For any experience to have a subjective value and become good, bad, unpleasant or whatever in a person's mind, it needs to pass through a filter.

So without much further ranting, I guess I'll just say that I enjoyed the sights and sounds of Vegas. It was a treat for the senses. You don't have to gamble to enjoy Vegas (although that helps). I would love to go there again at least one more time... to see all that I could not see this time. Of course its all fake, but thats the charm of it. The grandeur, the lights, the colours and the obvious but endearing fakeness of it all!

(photo of Parasol Cafe, The Wynn)

Viva Las Vegas!