Update

It's 11:14pm here, Belfast time. I am sitting here feeling weird. I came to the computer after a long day with Kuttipa (who didn't even nap today) ended with him falling asleep for the night around 9pm. I figured I could put in a couple of hours of work except that when I checked my email, it looks like I've been fired from 'The Project'.

There is a part of me that feels terrible about this, since I've always been good at my work and this is the first I've let things slip by so badly. How does this reflect on me as a professional? How can I expect them to give me work again once I return to Calgary? What will happen when others in the small community that is my profession, come to know of this incident? These are only some of the questions awhirl in my mind.

Undeniably though, there is a small tiny part that feels relieved. And then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. But that doesnt stop the relieved part from feeling relieved. The mind is what it is.

Monday morning and you know how that goes

It's dull gray and dreary outside and both Kuttipa and I have a cold. Okay, I am actually feeling way better cold-wise than how he looks. Poor kiddo!

I do have some self-inflicted crap churning away inside my mind affecting how everything is perceived. For starters, there is 'The Project'. It is titled thus since I've been theoretically been working for an entire year on it. How much work have I actually put into it? About 40 hours - a regular work week(or less) for most people. Yeah, not a whole lot I know. I started work on it and then assumed with time it had died a natural death. I didn't receive follow-up emails asking for it either and so I continued with my assumptions. There were other projects that came along which I more or less finished on time and everyone seemed happy. And then came the call and an email about a few days ago asking me about the project status since the client was asking for it. Obviously I couldn't tell them that I thought it had died a natural death, that my weekends were spent roaming around Northern Ireland, that I'd actually rather go see Harry Potter if I do get a couple of hours off instead of working on this. Nooooo.... Instead I am lying low, trying to do as much of it as possible and send him an email with some updated work in the next couple of days. Except as you can see, I am blogging right now. Not working. Crap!

Self inflicted crap #2 (no pun intended there): Googled a friend's name. Couldn't help it. I've been doing it every now and then for the past several years. Ever since we had a falling out for unfathomable reasons really. The last time I did this was probably over a year ago. No results then. And then this time - several results. Came to know she is in Bangalore and doing very well work wise and probably personally too. Good, right? Yeah, except that it has somehow stirred up all the old feelings up again and I am all a-muddle. I went through quite a bit of angst about this a few years ago and couldn't even listen to certain songs because they would remind me of her. Most of this angst was because I had no clue why she cut off abruptly. And now here is her email address in plain sight. Her husband is on facebook. I can easily contact them and perhaps renew the friendship. But is that really possible or even desirable?

There is a tamil poem that likens friends who have parted ways, to a grain and it's husk. Once separated they can never be joined as before.

Okay, I'll go work now.

Friday, midnight ++

I ought to be sleeping but instead I find myself browsing relentlessly, restlessly. I came to the computer to try to coordinate with the IT guy from work in Calgary so I could get my lighting software license renewed. That didn't work though and the guy is gone. I am still here though. Online.

My frequency of posting has dropped dramatically and I've been wondering why. I've always loved to write about random crap going through my head. So why did the desire wane? I think it is partly due to the anonymity of it crumbling away. I know that only a few read this blog but those few know my real identity and somehow that is a bit scary. As in, it's easier to post nonsense when you think no one knows you, as opposed to having family and friends reading your blog. I almost feel like I am being judged even though there may be nothing of that sort going on. Who has the time for that anyway?

So does it mean I am going to try and post more sense? No way! Sometimes the best way to overcome fear is to try and face it. So I'll just have to post my usual nonsense on a more regular basis, won't I?

If only I could turn back time..

'Being Erica' is my new must-see TV thingie these days. It airs Monday nights on CBC television and I've given up watching 'Little Mosque on the Prairie' and 'Sophie' because of this. Why? Because I don't want to watch too much TV all on one night. Also 'Sophie' is absolutely ghastly these days. Looks like they couldn't find a good writer to stick with for the series. I am not saying 'Being Erica' is much better. But it does seem interesting, sort of, kind of, when you shelve logic away.

Erica is a woman who has made some bad choices that have led her to a very mediocre life - dead end job, pathetic love life, etc. She meets a therapist who is able to send her back in time to revisit some of those choices. Then she returns to the exact same point in her dead-end life but her personality has changed for the better after each visit - she is more confident, more willing to take risks, less crippled by others' opinions of her. This is the part that is a bit sidey. For example she realizes that ever since her professor tore up her poem and ridiculed her in class, she stopped writing poetry and has lost the confidence to speak up for her self. That was 10 years ago though. So she revisits the past, stands up to the prof and comes back as a more confident Erica who then makes some snappy decisions in her crappy present and alters it for the better. But but... if Erica did confront her prof in her past, that would mean 10 years of being more confident. Wouldn't that have led to some different decisions and have changed her present entirely? Or is the time travel a metaphor for effective therapy?

Who cares! It's mildly entertaining and that's enough I guess. If I could revisit some of my decisions, which ones would I choose? Now, that's the part I wonder about every now and then. While there is no 'Dr.Tom' to take me back into the past and help undo my mistakes, I can at least analyse why I did what I did and who I can blame for all my mistakes! ;-)

Dosais

Titled thus since I am eating dosais while typing this...good dosais I might add since my husband has nearly perfected this art form. Mine always seem to get torn or worse get glued to the Tava unless I make them really thick, but where's the fun in that?

My holidays were great although they went by a bit too quickly and so much still left undone. Visited family and friends which is always a nice thing when you're in N.America and are dying with lonliness. Okay I am not dying with lonliness...but could do with more company. The problem though is deciding how much is enough. Having a threshold seems to make it more difficult to make friends, but then do I really want 'friends' in my face all the time? And if they were really 'friends' would I consider them as being in my face or would I be grateful for their company? What about degrees of friendship then?

I want to go home..to take off this uniform and leave the show..
The only reason I typed that line was because I am listening to 'The Wall' as I am typing this. Talk about multitasking - I am eating dosai, listening to Pink Floyd, running an AGI calc and typing this blog. Although that line does sort of fit in with the whole lonliness theme thingie I am trying to write about here.

I finally got hold of 'Forward the Foundation' by Asimov at my Aunt's place a couple of weeks ago! Good book and certainly better than its prequel, but I still like the original 3 books the best. The part of communication between minds (telepathy) is so fascinating! I also reread John Wyndham's 'Re-birth' - another great story about the very same thing - a superior variant of the human race who communicate telepathically. Great imaginative fiction! Still have 2 more Foundation books to read before I finish the series.

Enough said for today. Bye...

Personalities and such

I am sometimes a big fan of online personality tests (as the prev post indicates). Its mildly entertaining and satisfying to my neurotic self-indulgent side...After all if the whole world does not understand me, at least an online site does!

Can you really summarize a person or the essence of a person in a few words? And if you can, can you believe it? Is that all you are? Or do you start acting like that in a manner of fulfilling your own prophesy? One of the challenges I am facing in writing my book is the charecterization - trying to create distinct believable personalities by describing their words, thoughts and actions. Its something that separates the writers I enjoy reading from the others. Take Candace Bushnell for example (yet again). None of the charecters in either book I read stand out. Even though they have different names, they behave like a large collective middle aged New York woman. Whoever wrote the screenplay for Sex and the City has done a marvellous job in creating the charecters, since the book is nothing like the show. It helps that the TV version has a visual aspect which helps with the whole separation process...

On a personal note about understanding and being understood - I spoke to my friend recently, the one I speak to twice a year. It was a long conversation which resumed over and over during the day...It had been so long and there was so much to catch up on. I had been in a funk about my non-career among other things and she had been in funks of her own. At the end of it, even though there was no solution at hand, I felt relieved. I had been heard and understood. And somehow I felt clean - like I was starting over. All my problems still remain, but the simple act of listening and understanding makes such a huge difference! I've known her for close to eight years now and I'd always assumed that we were similar and that was the binding factor in our friendship. Now I realize that we are not similar and that we in fact have different interests and objectives. What binds us in friendship is that we can understand each other and that we care.

It seems like a very simple thing - but its so rare to find in today's world. Maybe thats what drives people to shrinks! Most of my friends fall in one category or another. They understand, but don't have time to care or they care, but don't understand. And it sort of works the other way too...If I feel I don't have the mental connection with a person, I find it difficult to care about them or their happiness. Yes, of course I am cruel and heartless! Why, I took a test yesterday that said the very thing!