September maatham

5 weeks left before the official due date...Of course when the baby actually decides to arrive is anyone's guess.

Tis Labour day today - a reminder to me that winter is not far away. The weather is gorgeous outside and we hope to go out somewhere later today to catch some sun. Some of the trees are turning yellow already. How do they know!

Time hurries on.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand
- Paul Simon

And here is the official obit

Came to know today that the NYT had published an obituary sometime back on my former boss...

Here it is!

Maternal desire

The universe is much too small to hold

Your longing for a lover and a child
Virginal, Nissim Ezekiel

I remember reading this poem when I was about 15 and being struck by the power of those words. I thought then that the poet was exaggerating to make a point. Years later though, the words seem more meaningful and true.

A lot has been said about sexual desire in a woman and among other things, the women's lib movement helped women recognize and give expression to this desire. A lot has been said about maternal desire too - mostly in corny sentimental movies (Amma sentiment) and such. Women themselves are not aware of the force of this desire till they have a child or at least till they decide they want one. It's no wonder then that the women's lib movement with its heavy emphasis on career and independence seems to view childbearing and childrearing as intrusions that must be dealt with as little inconvenience as possible (daycare, nannies, forcing husband to take care). But what about the very real desire that women have to care for their babies? This unexplained 'maternal desire' that somehow gets in the way?

I've been kind of thinking about this since I started reading a book called "Maternal Desire" (duh!) by Daphne de Marneffe. I've not gotten past the introduction though, mainly because there are too many other things I am trying to read at the same time.

Whats the point I am trying to make here? Quite a few different ones if I had the time or the mental energy to coherently present it all...The entire issue of career, choices and motherhood is always a charged topic especially to one already prone to angst and uncertainty like I am. But I'll leave that for another day.

Seen from the maternal desire perspective, my friend's comments on my birthday (See prev post) don't seem weird at all. Actually they never seemed weird since I've been there. Irritating perhaps, but perfectly normal. There was a time when it seemed that I may not have children and I do remember getting envious when I read stories of child abuse and such. "How come those CREEPS get to have multiple kids?"

Of course I went through this only for a few months. I imagine this gets worse and worse as time goes by till you can't look at any baby or any parent without feeling faintly resentful. And then there is the feeling of somehow being a sub-woman, not on par with the other 'fertile' women out there that comes up - regardless of whatever else you may have accomplished. But now that I am pregnant, do I think any lesser of the women who for one reason or another cannot be? Heck, no!! But the obsession and the worries and fears are such an integral part of the mindset of a woman who wants to conceive but cannot.

I read an excerpt from "Waiting for Daisy" by Peggy Orenstein a couple of months ago in the Oprah Magazine. The online version of the article can be found here. I was amazed at her candor and horrified at the hell she went through to get pregnant - a self-imposed hell that seemed inevitable and necessary from her point of view. Its a happy ending - she did get pregnant - but she did go through hell. Was it all worth it?

Towards the end of the article she says:

Sometimes, sitting at a miniature table, covered in Play-Doh and reading 'Where's Spot?' for the 30-zillionth time, I don't recognize myself -- and that's not a bad thing: Identity, I've learned, can be sliced many ways, and there is gain with every loss. Even so. Becoming a parent can't give me back the time -- the entire second half of my 30s -- that was obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for the stress I put on my marriage. Steven and I may never reclaim the ease of our pre-infertility days. All we can do is move forward -- tenderly, kindly, with mutual forgiveness. And with the knowledge that our love for each other has never, ever flagged.

Thirty plus

So I had a good birthday. Like I said, I don't really feel older or different from this time last week.
But based on conversations with friends who've done this already, I think this age-worry is predominantly female.

"Happy Birthday. Welcome to the dark side! It's all downhill from here!"
"Happy Birthday! 30? Doesn't feel like it does it? I went through it 6 months ago. Where did all the time go?"
"Happy Birthday, you old thing. Now you're finally in the same boat as I am!"

Gee, thanks girls! Of course all of these are meant in jest, but its hard to miss the underlying wistfulness - Why DO we grow older?

And of course there was the comment that irritated the heck out of me.
"Happy birthday! The big three Oh! Well, at least you're pregnant even though you're 30. Look at me, I am 34 already and still not pregnant!"
Now, that wasn't a birthday wish, was it? I've got so much to write about this, I'll save it for a separate post.

My last post in my twenties

Tomorrow I'll be 30! Yeah, somehow I did think that the twenties would last forever. Not only did they not, but they've actually gone by pretty darn quick.

In this past decade, I've finished college, come to the US, finished grad school, gotten married, moved to Canada, bought a house and become pregnant.

What was I doing when I turned 20? 10 years ago, I was in Ahmedabad, doing my 4th year internship and having a lot of fun seeing the sights and living the life. I don't remember my birthday being particularly angsty (Gosh, I am turning 20!) or particularly remarkable. I do remember going to work that day as usual, getting a bouquet from my co-workers there - I still have some of the petals stuck in my diary in remembrance. That may well be the very first bouquet I got! I might have gone out for dinner with my friend Zahra, but I don't remember if I did. And add to this the usual number of cards and phone calls from family and friends - It wasn't a bad birthday!

In fact all my birthdays have been reasonably good, although my 26th was particularly memorable for the multiple parties I got from friends and also the fact that being 26 was probably one of the best years of my life! It was my last year being single and the world remained open in terms of possibilities (I love being married, but that feeling of romance and suspense in the air is wonderful too!) I'd finally finished up the Master's thesis I'd been struggling with for 2 years and had all kinds of freedom to go around, see places and do things. I was living the free, unfettered existence I'd dreamed of since childhood and boy, was it heady!

Still feels like yesterday, but apparently a few more years have gone by and here I am suddenly a woman in my thirties! Yes, I know I'll really feel no different tomorrow from what I am today, and yet on paper it sounds somehow like a really big deal!

So I'll sign out now and go enjoy my last few hours of being 29.

some links

My husband sent me this link this morning from CNN.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/08/09/ep.breastfeeding/index.html

The stats are startling - According to new numbers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 74 percent of mothers try breast-feeding, but after three months only 30 percent still exclusively nurse their babies. After six months, the number dwindled to 11

The comments are interesting too!

Later this afternoon, I came across this site when googling.
http://www.punkinbutt.com/diaper_dilemma_the_environment.asp

Don't know how true the stats are, but it seems kind of reassuring. But as with googling anything, you can always find some other site with different data and conclusions. As for example this:
http://www.ilea.org/lcas/franklin1992.html

But if washing and flushing is what we do when we become toilet trained and if its really the same amount of water that we'd use to wash the cloth diapers as we would to flush the toilet 5 times a day - cloth diapering doesn't seem like a bad option at all...cheaper too.

Money money money

Tons of pregnant women in Calgary - not surprising considering 10,000 babies were born here last year! Still, its quite a sight to see an auditorium full of pregnant women or for that matter only pregnant women lining up in a queue outside the restrooms. That's exactly what I saw and was part of yesterday, when I attended the course 'Budgeting for babies'.

The course itself was okay. The presenters touched on various aspects on how the new arrival would impact our finances, ranging from living on a reduced income, to setting up RESPs to save for the child's college education. Also discussed were birth certificates, wills, life and other forms of insurance and child tax benefits (if applicable). For a free course, it did a fairly good job of at least introducing the several topics new parents will need to consider.

Under the section of cutting expenses and coupon clipping were of course the 3 standard recommendations:
1.) Breast feed
2.) Cloth diaper
3.) Make your own baby food

Apparently these measures can save you about $2000 - $3000 over the course of a couple of years! Impressive, but easy to implement?

1.) I see too many people around me - people I know personally, people on TV programs, people I know distantly from online bulletin boards - all having tried and failed to breastfeed successfully. On one hand there is Jack Newman who insists in his book that its fairly simple and straightforward. On the other hand are all these people, some of whom have gone through considerable pain and difficulty before moving on to formula feeding. Would some of these cases been resolved with some professional assistance? Some maybe but not all. My friend consulted 2 different lactation consultants and 2 different breast surgeons and went through a lot of pain before throwing in the towel. My point is that while breastfeeding should be encouraged and supported, its not really a question of choice for many people. Certainly I will 'choose' to breastfeed. But I also hope luck is on my side to help.

2.) Cloth diapering: Don't know enough about this to comment yet. Intend to find out more over the next couple of weeks. Good for the environment and the wallet for sure, but how troublesome is it to keep doing additional loads of laundry every other day? And if you factor in the the water and the detergent and the electricity for the laundry, is there really any savings in money or in terms of environmental impact?

3.) Baby food: easily 6 months away. Sure, I'll make my own baby food.... Or something, when I get to it. Again, I've got to wonder though, how much is the cost savings really? Baby food does not seem very expensive - 65c for a bottle of Presidents Choice Organic baby food, that will probably last for a couple of feedings. Is it really worth the time and effort to make your own food at home? One benefit that I can see is that baby will get used to things that we eat at home (rasam and sambar saadam) - but that's not a cost benefit really.

Forgetting

I originally had some clever title for this post and the content all thought out. I'll be darned if I can remember what it was. Pregnancy brain has certainly struck and how! Its fairly commonplace these days for me to leave something cooking on the stove and forget all about it and start doing something else, till my husband asks about the burning smell. Other forgetful things I've done recently: misplacing things, keeping the oil can in the fridge and the milk can inside a kitchen cabinet instead of vice versa, forgetting to keep leftover food back in the fridge and consequently wasting it the next day etc. Luckily, nothing major has happened as a consequence so far..

Been browsing usedcalgary.com, buysell.com and craigslist till I am almost sick at the mention of cribs, changing tables and baby monitors - these being the major items still unpurchased. The crib is not an immediate need though and I've been doing a lot of back and forth reasoning on why we need or don't need a crib. A pregnancy brain doesn't help with the logical reasoning part and I find I can actually argue and convince myself about completely differing things...

In any case, since I am planning to co-sleep I won't really need a crib much except for naps. So maybe my money is better spent on something else. Like a playard? I almost bought one yesterday. Today I am convinced that the thing to buy is this:
http://www.toysrus.ca/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10051&catalogId=10052&langId=-1&productId=17483&N=24+&nvalue=24
Who knows what tomorrow brings!

I did buy a ton of clothes - a lot of boy specific clothes in blues and browns. Then I read about someone who was told that she'd have a boy but ended up with a girl instead. Neutral colors, here I come...

Oh, I saw the Harry Potter movie recently and I quite liked it - better than the other ones anyway. Although its not quite something I'd want to see again and again - unlike LOTR or something. Its funny how the two keep getting compared, while they're not in the same league at all - not even close! Anyway, I read the 'Deathly Hallows' book too and again quite enjoyed it, although the ending was not as well written as the rest of the book. A series finale deserves much better, doesn't it?

A lull

After all this blogging I've done for the past month or so, I've come up against some kind of block. Don't know what to write about.

I guess I could give an update of sorts about different things..

1.) Microwave: Yes, we went to the Brick and picked up a brand new one for the store credit we had. So we're microwaving our coffee and the frozen veggies and anything else microwavable again...Whether its advisable to do so is a different topic - one I've not bothered to research really..

2.) Neighbors: All solved and all is at peace again.

3.) Baby: Still in there, kicking away. Hoping he stays there full term and comes out a happy healthy baby! Yes, I went for one of those 3D ultrasound places and shelled out the money in exchange for the pleasure of seeing him move around and knowing that its a 'him'. Was it worth all the money we shelled out for it? I don't know....Was it safe? I really really hope so. I hate to think that my selfish desire and impatience to 'see' the baby could have harmed the baby..

4.) Baby stuff: More stuff acquired. A car seat first hand since you're not supposed to take a chance with car seats (never mind they might not be all they're cracked up to be). Clothes, a diaper disposal can and an infant bath tub - second hand. Oh, and also a Baby Bjorn second hand. I like buying things second hand because its waay much cheaper for things that are in still in good condition. There is also the feel good aspect of 'better for the environment' and all that. Although in the case of my diaper disposal system, I've got to wonder...Since it uses exclusive plastic bags, its really not cheap. For the same reason and also because of the whole 'disposable diaper' thing, its not really environmentally friendly either. But I am intending to switch to cloth diapering once the baby is 3 or 4 months old and I am sort of more familiar with diapering in general and my baby in particular. Hopefully my intentions will actually translate into action!

5.) Relatives: We had a great time at Banff. Now they've gone back and I am back to trying to fix simple dinners that are nowhere close to being as appetizing as the food they made.

Tolerance

A friend of mine sends out a monthly newsletter that contains links to stories pertaining to what he calls pseudo-secularism. If you're interested in such reading, you can visit his site (http://www.sabha.info/archive.html) and subscribe to it too.

I don't always agree with what he says but his links are interesting and his sarcasm makes the newsletter entertaining. Here is a story that stood out from his recent newsletter.

Americans disrupt Hindu prayer

Interesting article

http://www.shobanarayan.com/articles/web/articles_beliefnet_fashion.htm

Will I be a 'Hindu Mom' too? I don't know! In the past decade I've gone from being a complete believer to an agnostic to an atheist to back to being a quasi-believer. Quasi-believer because I like the comfort and the familiarity of going to the temple and going through the motions of praying. Also because the question of whether God exists or not does not seem as important or relevant to me as it did 10 years ago...the psychological comfort that comes from believing that there is indeed a higher power and a greater purpose and that everything is not random is immense and I am not strong enough to deny myself that feeling of comfort.

But I do wonder what I will teach my child about religion or traditions or customs...I don't see myself bombarding the poor kid with Sanskrit lessons and Veda classes like the lady in the article. On the other hand, I do feel that our religious literature, philosophy and mythology is so rich and that my child should have some appreciation of it all...But philosophy and mythology is different from actual religion and rituals. I know of many people who are well versed in poojas and rituals but hard pressed to explain what it all actually means. So does my child really need to be a believer to have an appreciation of Hinduism?

I think if I can bring up my child to question things and learn for him/herself and reach his/her own conclusions instead of blindly following whatever I/someone else says, I would have done a good job! Easily said!

So is milk good for you?

Maybe it is, since apparently it fends off diabetes and heart disease and such.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6898103.stm

But wait, don't head to the grocery store yet. Would you rather have Diabetes or Parkinson's?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4419477.stm

And if you're a woman, how about some ovarian cancer?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4051331.stm

Romba conpeeshinga keedu!

In other news...

Here are a couple of links I came across while browsing some blogs today.

1.) http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/specials/broadband/open/chi-magnetpart1-special,0,2945032.special

Apparently tiny but powerful little magnets the size of baby aspirin, inside big toys, can cause a lot of harm if the big toy breaks and the tiny magnets are ingested. 1 death and 4 near fatal incidents later, the toys still haven't been fully recalled and are available for sale widely! Scary!!!! And Magnetix is not the only company to blame either. Here is a link to a follow-up story.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/chi-fri_toys_0706jul06,1,5991469.story

2.) http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19231313/site/newsweek/page/0/

Unrelated article to the first link, but a good read nevertheless. I've a friend who went through something very very similar and so I can totally understand. Again it goes back to the whole being judgmental thing that I talked about in an earlier post. I am lucky that my friend experienced this whole pregnancy and childbirth thing before me. If nothing else, I've learnt from her experiences that unexpected can and will happen in this process and there is truly no way to expect and prepare for it...

Come to think of it, the same holds true for life in general doesn't it? Except we all like to think we have some kind of grip on things and some measure of control. But if we didn't think so, would we be able to function at all?

Going to Banff tomorrow with the relatives...Have been really pampered this week with the varied delicious home cooked meals I come home to in the evenings. I'll really miss them when they leave next week. Especially now that the 'joys' of pregnancy such as back pain and edema have struck, I really really appreciate all the help around the house.

And when he lived he lived!

I came to know yesterday that the CEO of the company I used to work for in US passed away last week. He was 80 something and died of a heart attack while sailing on a boat with his wife and daughter! Not only did this man live well, he also died well! No prolonged agony - no months of deterioration, vegetating in a wheelchair being unable to care for himself, frustrating himself and others...Just a quick and a simple death while he was doing what he loved, among the company of those he loved!

And when he lived he lived! I didn't know him very well....But I've seen his infectious enthusiasm and his high energy. I know he loved the company that he started from scratch based on an idea and developed into one of the most well known luminaire manufacturers in N.America. I know he loved his family. I know he loved sailing. Sounds like a pretty good life to me! Actually change 'pretty good' to 'fantastic' in the previous sentence. I don't know many others who at 80 something were still actively running their company and coming up with innovative solutions everyday!

I saw him last year at Lightfair in Las Vegas and he was his usual self then, asking about Calgary and my married life and showing me the new products displayed in the room. I was so sure I would be seeing him again at the next one I'd be attending a couple of years from now!

I cannot say he was a sweet old man because he wasn't - at least not all the time. He could be gruff and stubborn with a cranky temper to boot and I was sometimes incredibly nervous around him. Yet, I immensely admired this very stubbornness and his insistence on doing things HIS way. The customer was seen as a person who must be educated in the use of better lighting instead of being pandered to by offering cheap low quality products. Accordingly his company was associated with quality and I am extremely proud to have worked there.

I am glad to have known him even if it was a short time and my interaction with him was limited.

Count another blessing

Something else I am thankful for - for being born in the culture, religion and the family I was born into. Not that I am claiming that its the best or anything - but at least none of these factors have ever stood in my way of doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

I talked with a woman today who has been through an immense ordeal for the past 6 years - an ordeal made worse by her religion and its laws. It started with her marrying the wrong kind of man belonging to an uptight conservative family and ended with her separation from this man and losing custody of her only child! I shouldn't say her ordeal has ended though - what mother can bear to be separated from her child? Her pain continues....and yet through it all in everyday life she hides it remarkably well with her smiles and constant cheerfulness!

The weekend

Happy Canada day and all that...The 3 day weekend just rushed by and I don't have much to show for it - not even a microwave. We spent the day going from Sears to Sears only to find out that they were all out of stock of microwaves of any kind! So now, we've decided to go back to the dreaded Brick (gasp!) and buy it from them...after all we do have the store credit.

What I did end up getting were some glass bottles. Had advertised on a 2nd hand site that I was looking for some because of all that stuff about Bisphenol A in plastic bottles, that the Globe and Mail has been publishing. Can't just go to Toys R us or Zellers and buy glass bottles for babies since they seem to have only the plastic stuff! Granted I am hoping I don't need em bottles at all, but who knows! So when a kind lady wrote to me saying that she had 10 glass bottles that she was willing to give away for free, I jumped at the offer. So thats something I've acquired during the weekend.

Going to have relatives visiting for the next couple of weeks and in the midst of going to the stampede and taking them to Banff etc, I don't know how much time I'll have to blog. Just as well...considering no one reads this stuff anyway. :-P

Another view of co-sleeping

http://www.brainchildmag.com/essays/summer2007_niesslein.asp

Making choices

Actual conversation with a friend a few days ago.

She: So did you know Y is also pregnant?
Me: No I didn't! Wow, this is awesome! When is she due?
She: Oh six months from now! And she's quitting her job next month.
Me: Quitting or taking medical leave or something?
She: No, quitting! She is going to stay at home and be a full time mom.
Me: Wow!
She: I know! How can she just give up her career like that? I asked her about it and she tells me that she was never interested in it anyway.
Me: ....
She: Why did she go to grad school at all if she didn't want to work?
Me: (defensive now) Hey, at least she knows what she wants, instead of being confused on a daily basis and trying to juggle everything.
She: Oh, is that how you feel? Are you going to quit working too because you're pregnant?
Me: No... I will be taking a break though. I've not decided yet how long the break will be.
She: See, a break is different from quitting your job.

But is it? What if Y changes her mind a couple of years from now and decides to work? Would my friend think better of her? To me it seems like our lives should be about what we want and what makes us happy - using the tools that we have available at our disposal such as our education, our finances, our state of health etc. And we each try to use our judgement (good or bad) to make choices towards getting what we want. So why are we so critical about others' choices? Because of our need to validate our own choices?

Here is a blog I really like and find myself reading a lot.
tessence.blogspot.com
Its a blog about her adventures in motherhood. I am currently lagging behind about a year and reading posts from early 2006 as I've been trying to catch up on all her posts from the very beginning. Here is why I like her blog.

1.) She is a good writer and her posts are engaging

2.) She loves her child and seems to relish the teeniest things about being a mother. When someone enjoys something so much, it is pretty infectious. I am starting to fall in love with her child!

3.) She seems totally at peace with her choices - be it her career or her style of parenting. At the time of my reading, she is a reporter with a good job - intentionally working part time (3 days a week) so she can spend more time with her daughter. Not once over the past year and a half worth of posts I've read so far, does she seem to be in angst about her career or her motherhood. No self doubt. No endless questioning about the future that prevents her from enjoying the present.

4.) She actually has done many of the things I want to do when my baby is born - such as cosleeping, attachment parenting, breastfeeding. So I am getting a sense of what worked and didn't work for her as I read her posts.

Reading list

Reading three books at this point in time - depending on the time of day and what I am in the mood for.

1.) Maya by Jostein Gaarder. Haven't gone beyond a few pages. Promises to be thought provoking and interesting.

2.) Jack Newman's guide to breastfeeding: Self explanatory title. Seems to be an excellent resource and will probably be more useful after the baby is born, but because its a library book, I need to return it in a couple of weeks. I am flipping through pages randomly at this point and am impressed at all the topics that he exhaustively covers ranging from things that can go wrong such as a colicky baby to medicines you can/cannot take when breastfeeding. I'd highly recommend this for any pregnant woman/new mother.

3.) Baby proof by Emily Griffin: I am about halfway done with this book. Light, fast paced and a much better read than I thought it would be, this book is about a woman who does not want a child. Unfortunately her husband does. How they deal with it and the emotional turmoil that surrounds it is the main story. It seems to be packaged as yet another fluffy chick lit book, but is actually surprisingly deep.

I've actually been wondering about similar issues recently - about how a baby is usually the woman's decision and is seen as primarily her responsibility. So if a woman chooses not to have a baby, it should still be a personal decision but for some reason she is usually perceived as being heartless and selfish by society! Good reading so far!

"These are the moments...

.. I thank God I am alive" Its from some song - I don't know who sang it or what the rest of the lyrics are. This is how I felt this weekend when I went on a road trip to Waterton Lakes and then further into Montana. The scenery is spectacularly beautiful - especially Hwy 49 in Montana and the Going to the Sun road where the road just falls away into sheer dizzying drops at the side and a small river winds through the valley floor far below and there is the wind and the sound of birds and little else..

So this is why I work! To be able to go on a trip like this every now and then...There are so many levels of gratitude that if analyzed would go something like " Wow, I am thankful to have some money apart from my immediate food and shelter needs to be able to come here. Wow, I am glad to have a husband who likes this as much as I do. Wow, I am glad I've got the eyesight to be able to appreciate this..." and so on. You get the idea.

There were so many nice things about the trip. We saw a grizzly up close, right in front of us on the road. We stopped the car just in time and backed off a little just in case the grizzly was headed that way. He just stood there oblivious to our car's presence, fussing with something on the road. A few minutes later, he walked away! What an unforgettable moment!

Other wildlife we saw on the trip included plenty of mule deer in Waterton Lakes village and a Steller's Jay in Cameron Lake. The Jay caught our attention because it stalked us and the potato chips in our hands. When we turned to look at it though, it would turn away as if supremely disinterested. When we finally left a single chip on a nearby bench, it watched to see if we were looking and then when it thought we weren't, it swooped down to grab the chip! Here is pic of this crafty bird.Also had some nice conversations during the trip. A long car journey is a nice time to discuss all kinds of things instead of just about the groceries for the week or our respective schedules.